How Soon Is Now?

Monday, March 12, 2018

The Things You Do

12:50 AM 0
The Things You Do

12:12 AM

   I just watched a two-hour marathon of The Wonder Years.
   For the past few weeks, it's been like my ritual after I've discovered this TV channel which aired a bunch of old yet famous shows from the '80s to the '90s. Yet, there was something that intrigued me upon stumbling an episode from that show. Maybe it was Fred Savage's charming face, or how you could hear his character's future and older self narrating his thoughts and of course, the storyline. Or maybe it's because of the fact that it's supposed to be a comedy, and yet there aren't any laugh tracks in the background, and all you can do is realize its dry humor which you yourself share with it.
   But the thing is, every time I finish watching an episode, I always feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
   And I think that's nice.
   Anyway, I know it's been weeks since the last time I've written. But that's because I've been up and about with things to do and events to go to left and right. Not to mention, the never-ending work that keeps intervening and runs my life at least ninety percent of the time. Apparently, that explains the old adage of my "I'm-tired,-I-need-rest" tweets for the past few weeks. And sure, sometimes it daunts me and it makes me cranky, but it's better than doing nothing, right?
   But I know I need some sort of work-life balance. In fact, I needed more of a social life, which I do get with my after-work dinners and drinks with my colleagues, but last week was the tip of the iceberg which made me realize I needed to hang out with my friends more. Or at least, have some time alone to decompress this weekend, which was what I ended up doing instead of going to that Wanderland concert. And no, it wasn't like I actually bought tickets to see it or experience it, but it would've been fun.
   Unfortunately, my wallet never had the leisure of actually doing that.
   Nevertheless, I figured I could go to other events like the Big Bad Wolf which was a huuuge book sale at the World Trade Center last February and of course, the Art Fair at The Link in Makati two weeks ago. I felt like those two were the ones I couldn't miss at all. Although, I did nearly miss Big Bad Wolf because I thought I couldn't have the time to go since I would be at work, but when I found out it was open for twenty-four-damn-hours, that's when I didn't care anymore. I just knew I had to go! So I did what any bookworm had to do; I forced my work friends who are also bookworms to join me in my excursion. And the rest was history! The Art Fair however, was an easy decision since I went every year!
   I had a wonderful time, of course. I went to two events that I was absolutely passionate about. But for the past few weeks, work had droned on and on and on. And as much as I would like to have gone to a concert and what-have-yous, well... You know how it is (and you're probably experiencing this concern too, lol).
   I can only hope that this week would turn out better. And if anything, I'm already actually dreading it. I know that I should be grateful for the wonderful opportunity that had gone my way last week, but I have to admit that I'm rather nervous about it. Aside from needing my old friends, which I've had the pleasure to actually take some time to visit the past few weeks, I also needed one other thing, if not most of all...
  That certain someone.
  My someone.
  I need you to come home.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Just A Fantasy

2:39 AM 0
Just A Fantasy

2:11 AM

   I've always been cynical. Jaded. Yet, here I am, onto my second bottle of beer, and I just finished watching Pretty Woman, one of my favorite films of all time. And apparently, I've watched it more than a few times that I can hardly count. It's the perfect feel good film, when you just want to shut things off and all you can do is watch, but clearly, some scenes could actually pick on your emotions (and I'm not talking about the hot scenes there).
   What's funny is, I might be this cynical and jaded girl, but I actually do like really nice chick flicks every once in a while - the ones that tug on your heartstrings, that can make you swoon with a silly smile on your face, vouching for the ship that's developing and unraveling before your eyes. And I do detest the sappy and cliched crap (especially in real life), but let's face it, every now and then a girl does fantasize being swept over her feet, all tingly and warm with that silly smile on her face that she just couldn't wipe off because it's...
   Dare I say it...

   But life slaps you hard on the face, waking you to the cold and bitter truth of reality that none of those might ever happen. Hell, one couldn't even be too sure of anything at all. And every time there is uncertainty, it only makes me want to curl up and withdraw myself from civilization. The same thing goes whenever I try and push past my emotions, trying to keep them in check when in truth, I'm not okay at all. And since we're being honest here tonight, I haven't been okay for a while now.
   I've been feeling more alone and lonely than I have in a long time.
   Perhaps the reason why I also love Pretty Woman is because I somehow can relate to it, in its own fucked up way that I can read between the lines and see the underlying context which can be taken similarly in my life. And no, it's not the whole prostitute-Cinderella story that I could see the similar context in. It's more of the Richard Gere thing, his character, and this... Okay, I don't want to get into the whole ordeal.
   Too personal.
   Too raw.
   Something that I definitely do not want to talk about. Not when I feel sad and vulnerable, toppling all my other emotions that I try so hard to keep in check with not much success. And normally, I wouldn't admit this out loud - or even write this in black and white - with me being sad, and all that other shit. But I guess we can all call this character development.
   Because I know that it's okay to not be okay.
   And I think it's time that I finally should be honest, not only with myself, but with everyone else.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

A Moment of Clarity

12:40 AM 0
A Moment of Clarity

12:40 AM

   I didn't have a good week.
   After receiving news that engulfed me in sadness, anger, and disappointment, I plunged myself deeper into work to cope with my emotions. And work droned on and on this week, even if I wasn't exactly as productive as I wanted to be with the pace that I was going with. And apparently, that didn't work. I was still left distracted with those emotions threatening to bubble up on the surface at any moment, but I pushed it back down when it came under an inopportune time.
   Today, those emotions have bubbled up again. This time I let it go, and let it flow right out of me. But after shedding a few tears, I stopped myself again, wanting to regain control like I always do. I'm not good at dealing with my emotions, as you all know very well and as I've continually talked about it over the years. But I find ways to deal with them by trying to rationalize them including my thoughts. Sometimes, it works for myself. Oftentimes, that's when a dear friend always comes in handy to help.
   I then realized that if at work, I always encourage myself to focus on solving the problem rather than focusing on the problem itself, I should have the same approach to my relationships and my life. Yet somehow, I always let myself sulk into misery, which apparently does nothing if not turn the situation to worst because of my overthinking. So again I stopped, which made me think if the problem was actually with me.
   Partly of it was, to no surprise.
   I was always trying to seek validation - one that I never thought I'd admit out loud, I'm stubborn like that. Not from everyone, mind you, but to one certain person. And I did that by trying to say things just so I could elicit some sort of response or an underlying reaction that I already knew what they were. Yet, I just have to. I just have to know if what I know is the truth. It was at that moment, I reached clarity by asking further questions within myself.
   Why did I have to know when I already did?
   Why was I seeking that validation?
   Et voila! 
   I then knew right from the very depths of me that it was from a place of distrust. Not of the one that was dearest to me, but it came off as an instinct. My trust issues. It came from a place where this fucked up part of myself is expecting to have my trust broken, waiting for that day to come and if it does, I'd be prepared for it. It came from a place where I had always felt like I could never rely on anyone even the people who are closest to me, because I always took care of others and myself on my own.
   Looking over at that part of myself, my own flaw, I knew that I didn't want to be like that. I don't want to ruin my relationships because of that part of me. My best friend was right, I can't keep thinking or feeling like the world is out to get me, and that I deserve to cherish this wonderful part of my life. I can't keep putting my guard up, no matter how much I try to crumble it down.
   I know I have to take an important step, and that is why I'm right here writing about it with a pack of Hershey's Kisses that I just opened. I mean, of course, some wine would've been nice but oh well... Some sweetness would do. And after this, then I'll take that right step to getting this right.
   Or at least try to...

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Baby, I'm Afraid

9:18 PM 0
Baby, I'm Afraid

Well, baby I'm afraid of a lot of things but I ain't scared of loving you. 
 And baby, I know you're afraid of a lot of things but don't be scared of love. 
 'Cause people will say, all kinds of things, but that don't mean, a damn to me
 'Cause all I see is what's in front of me, and that's you...
        - "Poor Song," Yeah Yeah Yeahs  

   I spent the first week of January being sick.
   And now that I have fully recovered, I'm back to being a ball of frenzy.
   You see, there is something about being vulnerable that leaves everyone feeling rather prickly and exposed. That's why people react in certain ways when they get to that point. Some handle it quite well, and some don't. It's not a surprise then, that I actually end up being in the latter part, especially at times when I don't try my best to calm myself down.
   But I have learned over time, that in being vulnerable, there is strength. That in showing weakness, there is understanding of different mentalities and human emotions that are ever so complicated. Yet nobody wants to be perceived as weak. Or in my case, admitting my own insecurities out loud and facing them headfirst. When that happens, I become vindictive and push people away, wanting them to prove me and my doubts right, when all along, I only want them to prove me wrong.
   Nobody knows that last thing, of course, during that circumstance.
   Most of the time, people would just think I'm being a bitch.
   And they're absolutely right.
   It's not something I'm proud of, but it's also not something I hide about myself either. I try to handle things differently - in a more mature manner, at least. But emotions can be such tricky things, and unless one is emotionally intelligent, one can only then handle them pretty well. It's pretty amusing that people would see me as being emotionally intelligent when there are certain times that I don't, but then again, not all of them see other sides of me.
   I can only hope to be and do better the next time.
   Even if there are times when I enjoy being vindictive, only for it to come back and bite me in the ass.
   This only goes to show that that's not how to handle things, huh? Yet, I do it anyway.

Sunday, December 31, 2017


11:48 PM 0

   The last night of the year.
   There is always something so melancholic about leaving an old year behind. Yet, the juxtaposition there is that the new year can be filled with new and exciting opportunities. For me however, I'm not exactly sure whether I feel more of the latter. I only feel jittery from the pressure and anxiety - which apparently, could just be taken as a different kind of excitement, lol.
   In this moment that I look back to what had occurred during the year, I find myself feeling lost for words. There were so many unexpected things that had happened, all of which I couldn't help but feel grateful and incredibly happy for. I had been given an opportunity that I had dreaded yet at the same time, sought for for the past few years, and it had been amazing. But with new opportunities come new challenges and new struggles, and so far, I must say that I'm grateful to be able to have handled them gracefully (at least, I do hope so). I've learned so much and I'm so happy that I was able to push myself out of my own little shell.

   If there was one thing when 2017 began, I remember telling myself that I should not let this momentum or pace that I'm going with to drop, and that I should continue straight on without holding myself back the way that I had years before. And I also remembered how I recalled that line of Sabrina (played by Audrey Hepburn from the film of the same name) in the GIF above and told myself that, too. This goes onto every aspect of my life, and so far, I'm definitely happy of the results.
   Although there are so many things that I wish for the upcoming year - which will arrive in ten minutes or so - to simply put it, as always, I wish for more growth, love, happiness, and success in any measure as possible. I want to continue pushing myself and be able to explore more by learning new things. I want to be more surrounded by love and be more nurturing of others. Last but definitely not the least, I want to continue being passionate about writing especially now that I've just started to again.
   My heart is filled with warmth for all the blessings I've been given this year. And so, as the festivities continue to go on and we welcome this new and exciting time for all of us, I'll keep it short.
   I wish everyone a happy and a prosperous New Year!!


Tuesday, December 26, 2017


7:24 PM 0
I'm slowly slipping into self-preservation. I should be getting in the holiday spirit, but I know that a part of me isn't really in it. That part only feels dejected and confused, which doesn't really go well with this whole supposed "festive" mood. Every time I think about, I just sigh and have this craving to just go back to bed and shut everything and everyone out. But I know I shouldn't be sulking. I should be enjoying this time with the people I love. Yet, that's somehow ironic. I don't want to get dramatic, but it's circumstances like these that I have a certain tendency to withdraw. And then, the caprice to go back into this tiny little shell makes it seem that it can be absolutely appealing. I want to be alone and to be left alone. I no longer want to subject myself out to civilization. I can't do that now, of course. Not on this holiday when I'm supposed to push my introverted self out to all the social hubbub I can muster. So for now, I'll just pretend to be what I need to pretend to be - to be excitable of all these festivities with all the social shit that go into it. Apparently, this is what "adulting" is supposed to be like. And at this point, I'll have to say that it sucks.

Saturday, November 18, 2017


11:53 PM 0

   After that last post, I found myself living like a hermit and wanting to be more out in civilization socializing.
   And instead, I was stuck running house errands and then doing some work when I get home, since there was a three-day special non-working holiday in the metro for the ASEAN Summit. You'd think I'd use this time wisely to actually take a break and catch up with friends - in which, really, was the ideal plan, but that plan didn't pan out.
   But the thing was, I was feeling really down in the dumps about that. I felt terrible. So terrible that I reflected upon myself and doubted myself yet again, wondering if I really was that neglectful towards the people who are dear to me. But after a quick chat with a few of my friends, who I confided in, I definitely felt much better. I realized that I should get over that pity party and just get out of that rut.
   Once that took place, I thought why was I feeling this way? Clearly, it mattered to me that was why I was disturbed by it. But I also realized that I was actually doing something that I have never done in the past few years or so - and wished and pushed myself to do. And I was finally at this point in my life wherein I was focusing on building it into the way I want it to be. I finally took that step - that leap of courage to step of my comfort zone and to be able to grow more as a person.
   And there is nothing wrong with that, because everyone has to.
   Everyone needs to.
   So if I find people who can't seem to support that, or they do at first but stop when they realize that I no longer serve their purpose or their wants, then I guess nobody really needs that kind of shitty energy into their lives anyway. Everyone is busy, and everyone tries their best to make time for the important things and people that matter in their lives. And we should all support each other with what everyone's trying to achieve, than to pull them down.
   This isn't just something that I wanted to say and what I wanted everyone to think of. But this is also for myself, in case I act the same way to others and make them feel this way. I surely didn't like how it felt like. It was very shitty, and I wouldn't want to make anyone else feel that way.
   As I've said before, I needed to be more nurturing, and so nurturing I will be especially for the ones I love.
   Then continue on this path, and possibly even greater ones.

Monday, November 13, 2017


8:29 PM 0

   I've been feeling more and more disconnected lately, as I dwell deeper into doing work. And considering that that's all that's been happening in my life - at least eighty-five percent of my time, other than the personal stuff - that's all I could ever talk about, like word vomit. And although, I'm sure that not everyone I talk to would looove to talk about their work, apparently, neither do I. But again, since it's like word vomit, it's all I really could ever talk about.
   Maybe all I ever know to talk about lately...
   Thus, I'd like to apologize to all those people who has to endure that long and predictably boring conversation with me.
   I'll try and stop, I promise.
   Now, the reason why I've brought that up, was because I've been contemplating why I feel so disconnected, particularly with my friends. Don't get me wrong, I've constantly connected with them and hung out with them, but at the end of the day, I still feel that disconnect. It was as if I was experiencing "FOMO" without actually anything happening. So I've reflected inwardly whether the problem lied within me, and maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.
   Yet, there was this juxtaposition.
   I also felt like I couldn't force myself upon them... And perhaps, I shouldn't.
   It's ridiculous, I know. 
   So like any other anxious human being, I withdraw myself even more and be more like the hermit that I really am. It's surely not a good thing, but perhaps I need to replenish first before I go out of my shell again. I just felt like I've missed so much and I'm missing so much that everyone's just used to me not being around. It's not like it isn't partly my fault though, considering as I am the hermit that I am, I do have this unconscious tendency to push people away other than external factors that contribute in being so.
   The sad thing is, I can't help but think that maybe this is what happens when growing up. Everyone's busy doing their own thing, and never really having any time to catch-up. Or we do, but I could just never relate to the pop culture of today. I certainly feel like - and have always felt like - I live a different life, and the old soul in me has always been there. I know I could try and catch up, but y'know, I just never did, haha.
   I want to feel more connected. More in tune of what's happening in all my loved ones' lives. And I want to try harder to do so...
   But here's the question: Where should I start?