How Soon Is Now?

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Baby, I'm Afraid

9:18 PM 0
Baby, I'm Afraid

Well, baby I'm afraid of a lot of things but I ain't scared of loving you. 
 And baby, I know you're afraid of a lot of things but don't be scared of love. 
 'Cause people will say, all kinds of things, but that don't mean, a damn to me
 'Cause all I see is what's in front of me, and that's you...
        - "Poor Song," Yeah Yeah Yeahs  

   I spent the first week of January being sick.
   And now that I have fully recovered, I'm back to being a ball of frenzy.
   You see, there is something about being vulnerable that leaves everyone feeling rather prickly and exposed. That's why people react in certain ways when they get to that point. Some handle it quite well, and some don't. It's not a surprise then, that I actually end up being in the latter part, especially at times when I don't try my best to calm myself down.
   But I have learned over time, that in being vulnerable, there is strength. That in showing weakness, there is understanding of different mentalities and human emotions that are ever so complicated. Yet nobody wants to be perceived as weak. Or in my case, admitting my own insecurities out loud and facing them headfirst. When that happens, I become vindictive and push people away, wanting them to prove me and my doubts right, when all along, I only want them to prove me wrong.
   Nobody knows that last thing, of course, during that circumstance.
   Most of the time, people would just think I'm being a bitch.
   And they're absolutely right.
   It's not something I'm proud of, but it's also not something I hide about myself either. I try to handle things differently - in a more mature manner, at least. But emotions can be such tricky things, and unless one is emotionally intelligent, one can only then handle them pretty well. It's pretty amusing that people would see me as being emotionally intelligent when there are certain times that I don't, but then again, not all of them see other sides of me.
   I can only hope to be and do better the next time.
   Even if there are times when I enjoy being vindictive, only for it to come back and bite me in the ass.
   This only goes to show that that's not how to handle things, huh? Yet, I do it anyway.
   Sigh.


Sunday, December 31, 2017

Yearender

11:48 PM 0
Yearender


   The last night of the year.
   There is always something so melancholic about leaving an old year behind. Yet, the juxtaposition there is that the new year can be filled with new and exciting opportunities. For me however, I'm not exactly sure whether I feel more of the latter. I only feel jittery from the pressure and anxiety - which apparently, could just be taken as a different kind of excitement, lol.
   In this moment that I look back to what had occurred during the year, I find myself feeling lost for words. There were so many unexpected things that had happened, all of which I couldn't help but feel grateful and incredibly happy for. I had been given an opportunity that I had dreaded yet at the same time, sought for for the past few years, and it had been amazing. But with new opportunities come new challenges and new struggles, and so far, I must say that I'm grateful to be able to have handled them gracefully (at least, I do hope so). I've learned so much and I'm so happy that I was able to push myself out of my own little shell.



   If there was one thing when 2017 began, I remember telling myself that I should not let this momentum or pace that I'm going with to drop, and that I should continue straight on without holding myself back the way that I had years before. And I also remembered how I recalled that line of Sabrina (played by Audrey Hepburn from the film of the same name) in the GIF above and told myself that, too. This goes onto every aspect of my life, and so far, I'm definitely happy of the results.
   Although there are so many things that I wish for the upcoming year - which will arrive in ten minutes or so - to simply put it, as always, I wish for more growth, love, happiness, and success in any measure as possible. I want to continue pushing myself and be able to explore more by learning new things. I want to be more surrounded by love and be more nurturing of others. Last but definitely not the least, I want to continue being passionate about writing especially now that I've just started to again.
   My heart is filled with warmth for all the blessings I've been given this year. And so, as the festivities continue to go on and we welcome this new and exciting time for all of us, I'll keep it short.
   I wish everyone a happy and a prosperous New Year!!
   Cheers!!

 

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Dejected

7:24 PM 0
Dejected
I'm slowly slipping into self-preservation. I should be getting in the holiday spirit, but I know that a part of me isn't really in it. That part only feels dejected and confused, which doesn't really go well with this whole supposed "festive" mood. Every time I think about, I just sigh and have this craving to just go back to bed and shut everything and everyone out. But I know I shouldn't be sulking. I should be enjoying this time with the people I love. Yet, that's somehow ironic. I don't want to get dramatic, but it's circumstances like these that I have a certain tendency to withdraw. And then, the caprice to go back into this tiny little shell makes it seem that it can be absolutely appealing. I want to be alone and to be left alone. I no longer want to subject myself out to civilization. I can't do that now, of course. Not on this holiday when I'm supposed to push my introverted self out to all the social hubbub I can muster. So for now, I'll just pretend to be what I need to pretend to be - to be excitable of all these festivities with all the social shit that go into it. Apparently, this is what "adulting" is supposed to be like. And at this point, I'll have to say that it sucks.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Liability

11:53 PM 0
Liability

   After that last post, I found myself living like a hermit and wanting to be more out in civilization socializing.
   And instead, I was stuck running house errands and then doing some work when I get home, since there was a three-day special non-working holiday in the metro for the ASEAN Summit. You'd think I'd use this time wisely to actually take a break and catch up with friends - in which, really, was the ideal plan, but that plan didn't pan out.
   But the thing was, I was feeling really down in the dumps about that. I felt terrible. So terrible that I reflected upon myself and doubted myself yet again, wondering if I really was that neglectful towards the people who are dear to me. But after a quick chat with a few of my friends, who I confided in, I definitely felt much better. I realized that I should get over that pity party and just get out of that rut.
   Once that took place, I thought why was I feeling this way? Clearly, it mattered to me that was why I was disturbed by it. But I also realized that I was actually doing something that I have never done in the past few years or so - and wished and pushed myself to do. And I was finally at this point in my life wherein I was focusing on building it into the way I want it to be. I finally took that step - that leap of courage to step of my comfort zone and to be able to grow more as a person.
   And there is nothing wrong with that, because everyone has to.
   Everyone needs to.
   So if I find people who can't seem to support that, or they do at first but stop when they realize that I no longer serve their purpose or their wants, then I guess nobody really needs that kind of shitty energy into their lives anyway. Everyone is busy, and everyone tries their best to make time for the important things and people that matter in their lives. And we should all support each other with what everyone's trying to achieve, than to pull them down.
   This isn't just something that I wanted to say and what I wanted everyone to think of. But this is also for myself, in case I act the same way to others and make them feel this way. I surely didn't like how it felt like. It was very shitty, and I wouldn't want to make anyone else feel that way.
   As I've said before, I needed to be more nurturing, and so nurturing I will be especially for the ones I love.
   Then continue on this path, and possibly even greater ones.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Disconnected

8:29 PM 0
Disconnected


   I've been feeling more and more disconnected lately, as I dwell deeper into doing work. And considering that that's all that's been happening in my life - at least eighty-five percent of my time, other than the personal stuff - that's all I could ever talk about, like word vomit. And although, I'm sure that not everyone I talk to would looove to talk about their work, apparently, neither do I. But again, since it's like word vomit, it's all I really could ever talk about.
   Maybe all I ever know to talk about lately...
   Thus, I'd like to apologize to all those people who has to endure that long and predictably boring conversation with me.
   I'll try and stop, I promise.
   Now, the reason why I've brought that up, was because I've been contemplating why I feel so disconnected, particularly with my friends. Don't get me wrong, I've constantly connected with them and hung out with them, but at the end of the day, I still feel that disconnect. It was as if I was experiencing "FOMO" without actually anything happening. So I've reflected inwardly whether the problem lied within me, and maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.
   Yet, there was this juxtaposition.
   I also felt like I couldn't force myself upon them... And perhaps, I shouldn't.
   It's ridiculous, I know. 
   So like any other anxious human being, I withdraw myself even more and be more like the hermit that I really am. It's surely not a good thing, but perhaps I need to replenish first before I go out of my shell again. I just felt like I've missed so much and I'm missing so much that everyone's just used to me not being around. It's not like it isn't partly my fault though, considering as I am the hermit that I am, I do have this unconscious tendency to push people away other than external factors that contribute in being so.
   The sad thing is, I can't help but think that maybe this is what happens when growing up. Everyone's busy doing their own thing, and never really having any time to catch-up. Or we do, but I could just never relate to the pop culture of today. I certainly feel like - and have always felt like - I live a different life, and the old soul in me has always been there. I know I could try and catch up, but y'know, I just never did, haha.
   I want to feel more connected. More in tune of what's happening in all my loved ones' lives. And I want to try harder to do so...
   But here's the question: Where should I start?

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Reboot

6:47 PM 0
Reboot


   By mid-year, I found myself wanting to re-vamp this blog.
   I felt like so much has changed in the past few years or so, and I literally wanted to declutter the things of the past that I thought should stay in the past, and should no longer be here. Among them, were my angst-y posts apparently, that's why I'm glad to tell you that they're officially non-existent.
   I just felt like I should make way for the new things, the more present ones that make me who I am today. Although, some of the posts that I thought were gems still remained because of course, not everything should be thrown away. But I also felt like there should be less post-"gimmicks" considering how I like the more "stripped down" version of my posts, in a way I express more of my ramblings.
   Although, there are still a few touches here and there that I plan on changing - like my blog's header image, or whatever - I know we're getting there. I just couldn't resist updating you guys why I've been gone all this time, and I assure you that it's not because I'm neglecting this, but actually planning on making it better.
   As for me, well, work has continued to intervene alongside life in general. I've officially been working for six months this October, and I'm very happy about that. There are so many more things that I'm looking forward to other than that of course, and for once, even if I'm still lost and unsure, I know everything's going to be okay.
  I'll be here more often now.
  I'm back, bitches. ;)

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Age of Consent

10:43 PM 0
Age of Consent
Bette Davis as Margo Channing in "All About Eve."

   I feel like an old lady stuck in a twenty-two year old's body.
   I don't exactly remember whether I've actually written those very words here before, but I wouldn't be surprised if I have. It's been a constant existential crisis that keeps boiling up at certain points or aspects of my life. And perhaps, it's not just happening to me.
   God, I seriously hope not.
   Let me elaborate further for me to put my point across and for anyone reading this to understand better - if anyone is reading this, that is.
   I've always been a pretty mature kid, you see (as per everyone and anyone I've ever met). Perhaps it came from my familial background, and being surrounded by adults most of the time. Since then, certain responsibilities had been expected of me, and one of those was mostly accompanying and taking care of my dear grandfather, whose world views helped shaped my own.
   That was to be expected, of course. After all, Jim Rohn did say, "You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with." And speaking of those people - which are none other than my friends (and now, including that certain someone) - I'm glad to say that I've associated myself with well-rounded, highly intelligent and wonderfully incredible people who I absolutely have nothing but respect for, and I adore and love.
   So back to being that matured kid. I always felt then that I just have this "old soul." I might be a millennial, but I certainly don't follow the trends whatsoever. I mean, I might have at some point or another, but it's short lived. If anything, I march to the beat of my own drum most of the time.
   But for the past few years, it came to my attention that I've been feeling quite limited. As if I'm stuck in my own teenage years wherein people know I'm an adult, but still treat me as though I'm some kid coming into adolescence. This concern of mine rushed at the back of my throat more so lately, where I feel as though I'm stuck in that box and want nothing more than to breakout of it.
   Because maybe, it's not the external factors that's putting me in it...
   Maybe it's actually just...
   Me.
   *Gasps!*
   Well, I'm not saying I wish it could be any different. At this moment, I know this awkward phase of being a young adult is actual something I have to go through to grow up. And right now, I'm just soaking it all in, especially in terms of my career. But there are just so many things I wish I can do, like going on trips or whatever - like normal adults or people my age can do.
   I know, I know.
   They will all follow at some point or another. But they won't unless I do something about it, right? I remember telling a friend, "You're only free as you think you are." And maybe, just maybe, if I breakout of my own limiting thoughts, everyone and everything else will follow as well.
   That's all I want, to be honest.
   To wave my flag and declare independence.


Sunday, July 9, 2017

A Decade and Two

12:43 AM 0
A Decade and Two


   This week had generally been favorable. Besides being slightly swamped with work, I think so far, it's been pretty good. My birthday passed by mid-week, and I officially turned twenty-two. Though, it's not that I found it unbelievable, but more of an overall relief, to be honest.
   When the week started, I had a simple celebration with the family here at home with my favorite Toblerone cheesecake - as per the photo above - from Cake2Go. It was pretty chill, considering as it was more of the fact that we were all together during that weekend that's important, since we were all busy during weekdays. Yet, I can't necessarily say that I had this huge celebration when the day came though. As always, I wanted it to be very simple. It was sort of just another ordinary day, since it fell on a Wednesday. So I was still at work, threw this pizza party during lunch (lol) at the office and had to attend a meeting - like business as usual. But when evening came, I was ready to be out and about. I had dinner with that certain someone; kept it very simple and intimate...
   Overall, it was wonderful.

My bigass Sangria; wine is lyf

   Now that another year had passed, and here I am looking back for the past few years and where I had been, I do have to say that I'm very proud of myself. I was able to push myself and finally overcome this huge breakthrough that I had gone so much stress, frustration, and pressure under. All that self-doubt, and making sure that I don't keep succumbing into my comfort zone or that abyss, has really paid off. Sure, nowadays I might be stressed at work, but I am genuinely happy of my progress and the fact that I'm learning a lot.
   I've realized that the moment when I decided to stop letting other people shape my life to what they think would be the best for me, was when I finally became courageous enough to push for what I really want. I knew when the new decade of my life rolled into the present that I had to make gigantic changes, both mentally and emotionally. I told myself that I was not going to let myself succumb into more self-doubt, or naysayings and opinions of others - ending up believing or listening to them. I've learned to shut the toxic shit out, and trust myself more and my sense of judgement and how I believe that I actually am (or can be) a sensible person.
   Most importantly, I've decided that I was no longer going to let myself live in fear.
   I feel so grateful and absolutely so blessed. Not only for turning another year older and hoping to be at least a bit wiser, but for the people who have expressed great love and continue to support me in every way - you guys are absolutely marvelous. I couldn't be any happier to have you all in my life!
   So to end this post, I suddenly remember that I was asked what my "birthday goal" was, and I answered "To broaden my horizons more." And it's true. I definitely think that I've still got a really long way to go. So many rooms for improvement, and I can't wait to soak them all in. To grow more as an adult, to be more nurturing to anyone and everyone, to excel more and maximize my potentials, and most of all, to be the best version myself.
   Here's to us and to another year of growth!


P.S. To my wonderful R, who has given me such great happiness that no words can express, and who continues to teach me how to believe in myself and to live my life the way that I want it to. This is to say how much I appreciate you for being my constant rock, for giving me strength and courage by supporting me in every way, and for pushing me to be what I aim to be. Thank you for being ever patient, considerate, understanding, and loving even if I drive you sooo crazy sometimes. Thank you for continuing to be wonderful despite how handful I can be at times. To many more birthdays to come for us. :)
~ xoxo, M ♥