How Soon Is Now?

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Liability

11:53 PM 0
Liability

   After that last post, I found myself living like a hermit and wanting to be more out in civilization socializing.
   And instead, I was stuck running house errands and then doing some work when I get home, since there was a three-day special non-working holiday in the metro for the ASEAN Summit. You'd think I'd use this time wisely to actually take a break and catch up with friends - in which, really, was the ideal plan, but that plan didn't pan out.
   But the thing was, I was feeling really down in the dumps about that. I felt terrible. So terrible that I reflected upon myself and doubted myself yet again, wondering if I really was that neglectful towards the people who are dear to me. But after a quick chat with a few of my friends, who I confided in, I definitely felt much better. I realized that I should get over that pity party and just get out of that rut.
   Once that took place, I thought why was I feeling this way? Clearly, it mattered to me that was why I was disturbed by it. But I also realized that I was actually doing something that I have never done in the past few years or so - and wished and pushed myself to do. And I was finally at this point in my life wherein I was focusing on building it into the way I want it to be. I finally took that step - that leap of courage to step of my comfort zone and to be able to grow more as a person.
   And there is nothing wrong with that, because everyone has to.
   Everyone needs to.
   So if I find people who can't seem to support that, or they do at first but stop when they realize that I no longer serve their purpose or their wants, then I guess nobody really needs that kind of shitty energy into their lives anyway. Everyone is busy, and everyone tries their best to make time for the important things and people that matter in their lives. And we should all support each other with what everyone's trying to achieve, than to pull them down.
   This isn't just something that I wanted to say and what I wanted everyone to think of. But this is also for myself, in case I act the same way to others and make them feel this way. I surely didn't like how it felt like. It was very shitty, and I wouldn't want to make anyone else feel that way.
   As I've said before, I needed to be more nurturing, and so nurturing I will be especially for the ones I love.
   Then continue on this path, and possibly even greater ones.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Disconnected

8:29 PM 0
Disconnected


   I've been feeling more and more disconnected lately, as I dwell deeper into doing work. And considering that that's all that's been happening in my life - at least eighty-five percent of my time, other than the personal stuff - that's all I could ever talk about, like word vomit. And although, I'm sure that not everyone I talk to would looove to talk about their work, apparently, neither do I. But again, since it's like word vomit, it's all I really could ever talk about.
   Maybe all I ever know to talk about lately...
   Thus, I'd like to apologize to all those people who has to endure that long and predictably boring conversation with me.
   I'll try and stop, I promise.
   Now, the reason why I've brought that up, was because I've been contemplating why I feel so disconnected, particularly with my friends. Don't get me wrong, I've constantly connected with them and hung out with them, but at the end of the day, I still feel that disconnect. It was as if I was experiencing "FOMO" without actually anything happening. So I've reflected inwardly whether the problem lied within me, and maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.
   Yet, there was this juxtaposition.
   I also felt like I couldn't force myself upon them... And perhaps, I shouldn't.
   It's ridiculous, I know. 
   So like any other anxious human being, I withdraw myself even more and be more like the hermit that I really am. It's surely not a good thing, but perhaps I need to replenish first before I go out of my shell again. I just felt like I've missed so much and I'm missing so much that everyone's just used to me not being around. It's not like it isn't partly my fault though, considering as I am the hermit that I am, I do have this unconscious tendency to push people away other than external factors that contribute in being so.
   The sad thing is, I can't help but think that maybe this is what happens when growing up. Everyone's busy doing their own thing, and never really having any time to catch-up. Or we do, but I could just never relate to the pop culture of today. I certainly feel like - and have always felt like - I live a different life, and the old soul in me has always been there. I know I could try and catch up, but y'know, I just never did, haha.
   I want to feel more connected. More in tune of what's happening in all my loved ones' lives. And I want to try harder to do so...
   But here's the question: Where should I start?

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Reboot

6:47 PM 0
Reboot


   By mid-year, I found myself wanting to re-vamp this blog.
   I felt like so much has changed in the past few years or so, and I literally wanted to declutter the things of the past that I thought should stay in the past, and should no longer be here. Among them, were my angst-y posts apparently, that's why I'm glad to tell you that they're officially non-existent.
   I just felt like I should make way for the new things, the more present ones that make me who I am today. Although, some of the posts that I thought were gems still remained because of course, not everything should be thrown away. But I also felt like there should be less post-"gimmicks" considering how I like the more "stripped down" version of my posts, in a way I express more of my ramblings.
   Although, there are still a few touches here and there that I plan on changing - like my blog's header image, or whatever - I know we're getting there. I just couldn't resist updating you guys why I've been gone all this time, and I assure you that it's not because I'm neglecting this, but actually planning on making it better.
   As for me, well, work has continued to intervene alongside life in general. I've officially been working for six months this October, and I'm very happy about that. There are so many more things that I'm looking forward to other than that of course, and for once, even if I'm still lost and unsure, I know everything's going to be okay.
  I'll be here more often now.
  I'm back, bitches. ;)

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Age of Consent

10:43 PM 0
Age of Consent
Bette Davis as Margo Channing in "All About Eve."

   I feel like an old lady stuck in a twenty-two year old's body.
   I don't exactly remember whether I've actually written those very words here before, but I wouldn't be surprised if I have. It's been a constant existential crisis that keeps boiling up at certain points or aspects of my life. And perhaps, it's not just happening to me.
   God, I seriously hope not.
   Let me elaborate further for me to put my point across and for anyone reading this to understand better - if anyone is reading this, that is.
   I've always been a pretty mature kid, you see (as per everyone and anyone I've ever met). Perhaps it came from my familial background, and being surrounded by adults most of the time. Since then, certain responsibilities had been expected of me, and one of those was mostly accompanying and taking care of my dear grandfather, whose world views helped shaped my own.
   That was to be expected, of course. After all, Jim Rohn did say, "You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with." And speaking of those people - which are none other than my friends (and now, including that certain someone) - I'm glad to say that I've associated myself with well-rounded, highly intelligent and wonderfully incredible people who I absolutely have nothing but respect for, and I adore and love.
   So back to being that matured kid. I always felt then that I just have this "old soul." I might be a millennial, but I certainly don't follow the trends whatsoever. I mean, I might have at some point or another, but it's short lived. If anything, I march to the beat of my own drum most of the time.
   But for the past few years, it came to my attention that I've been feeling quite limited. As if I'm stuck in my own teenage years wherein people know I'm an adult, but still treat me as though I'm some kid coming into adolescence. This concern of mine rushed at the back of my throat more so lately, where I feel as though I'm stuck in that box and want nothing more than to breakout of it.
   Because maybe, it's not the external factors that's putting me in it...
   Maybe it's actually just...
   Me.
   *Gasps!*
   Well, I'm not saying I wish it could be any different. At this moment, I know this awkward phase of being a young adult is actual something I have to go through to grow up. And right now, I'm just soaking it all in, especially in terms of my career. But there are just so many things I wish I can do, like going on trips or whatever - like normal adults or people my age can do.
   I know, I know.
   They will all follow at some point or another. But they won't unless I do something about it, right? I remember telling a friend, "You're only free as you think you are." And maybe, just maybe, if I breakout of my own limiting thoughts, everyone and everything else will follow as well.
   That's all I want, to be honest.
   To wave my flag and declare independence.


Sunday, July 9, 2017

A Decade and Two

12:43 AM 0
A Decade and Two


   This week had generally been favorable. Besides being slightly swamped with work, I think so far, it's been pretty good. My birthday passed by mid-week, and I officially turned twenty-two. Though, it's not that I found it unbelievable, but more of an overall relief, to be honest.
   When the week started, I had a simple celebration with the family here at home with my favorite Toblerone cheesecake - as per the photo above - from Cake2Go. It was pretty chill, considering as it was more of the fact that we were all together during that weekend that's important, since we were all busy during weekdays. Yet, I can't necessarily say that I had this huge celebration when the day came though. As always, I wanted it to be very simple. It was sort of just another ordinary day, since it fell on a Wednesday. So I was still at work, threw this pizza party during lunch (lol) at the office and had to attend a meeting - like business as usual. But when evening came, I was ready to be out and about. I had dinner with that certain someone; kept it very simple and intimate...
   Overall, it was wonderful.

My bigass Sangria; wine is lyf

   Now that another year had passed, and here I am looking back for the past few years and where I had been, I do have to say that I'm very proud of myself. I was able to push myself and finally overcome this huge breakthrough that I had gone so much stress, frustration, and pressure under. All that self-doubt, and making sure that I don't keep succumbing into my comfort zone or that abyss, has really paid off. Sure, nowadays I might be stressed at work, but I am genuinely happy of my progress and the fact that I'm learning a lot.
   I've realized that the moment when I decided to stop letting other people shape my life to what they think would be the best for me, was when I finally became courageous enough to push for what I really want. I knew when the new decade of my life rolled into the present that I had to make gigantic changes, both mentally and emotionally. I told myself that I was not going to let myself succumb into more self-doubt, or naysayings and opinions of others - ending up believing or listening to them. I've learned to shut the toxic shit out, and trust myself more and my sense of judgement and how I believe that I actually am (or can be) a sensible person.
   Most importantly, I've decided that I was no longer going to let myself live in fear.
   I feel so grateful and absolutely so blessed. Not only for turning another year older and hoping to be at least a bit wiser, but for the people who have expressed great love and continue to support me in every way - you guys are absolutely marvelous. I couldn't be any happier to have you all in my life!
   So to end this post, I suddenly remember that I was asked what my "birthday goal" was, and I answered "To broaden my horizons more." And it's true. I definitely think that I've still got a really long way to go. So many rooms for improvement, and I can't wait to soak them all in. To grow more as an adult, to be more nurturing to anyone and everyone, to excel more and maximize my potentials, and most of all, to be the best version myself.
   Here's to us and to another year of growth!


P.S. To my wonderful R, who has given me such great happiness that no words can express, and who continues to teach me how to believe in myself and to live my life the way that I want it to. This is to say how much I appreciate you for being my constant rock, for giving me strength and courage by supporting me in every way, and for pushing me to be what I aim to be. Thank you for being ever patient, considerate, understanding, and loving even if I drive you sooo crazy sometimes. Thank you for continuing to be wonderful despite how handful I can be at times. To many more birthdays to come for us. :)
~ xoxo, M ♥

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Unravel Me

11:47 PM 0
Unravel Me


   I've got two parallel lines in my life.
   And like all parallel lines, they're not supposed to meet. At least, not right now.
   Not yet.
   Today, I sat down here in front of my desktop, knowing that I was supposed to write something here on my blog. But I was left speechless. I woke up on the right side of the bed earlier believe it or not, smiling because I was actually happy of the events of the night before. Now that the day is nearing its end, and I was listening to Cigarettes After Sex's new album (it's tooo good!), I came upon this certain epiphany yet again, wherein I was actually living a double life. A kind of life where I had to hide a certain aspect of my life from others - the one where I was utterly happy and genuinely, unapologetically myself.
   No, this isn't some type of a gender-related issue, mind you. I assure you that this isn't actually something that is dire, it's actually not even supposed to be that big of an issue. But regardless of that, this always leaves me with this feeling of dread deep within me. And here I am, contemplating upon that frustration again.
   For someone who actually craves for authenticity all the time, it makes me sad that I have to hide it. It makes me sad that I couldn't necessarily just share it with people who are dear to me, in fear of being judged or of being disapproved of my decisions and my actions. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be private of things - to keep something for oneself. But apparently, I'm in that phase wherein it's as if I'm still treated as a mere teenager and not as an actual adult. That it's as if I'm still too young to know of things, and don't have my own mind to be able to think for myself and on my own. So with that said, I had to resort to keeping that part of my life from others, so as not to deteriorate it. To keep its authenticity, and not be stained by others' opinions, who base their own experiences and mistakes to what I "must" be going through at the moment.
   But I crave that certain freedom from time to time. I've always refused to conform to societal standards, more so to others' opinions as well. It's easier said than done, however, I admit. These are the times when I have this great caprice to be able to live my life unapologetically, where I don't feel like I'm constrained in somebody else's box. I want to be able to share my happiness, not bounded by fear or whatsoever. I want to see what the world has to offer; what life has to offer.
   These are the times when I wish I had the guts to.
   That I was courageous enough to.
   "Time will come," I know. I also know that I just get impatient sometimes. We are moving in the slowest of pace, in the most constricted box I have ever been in. And most of the time, I admit, I want to push out; to not let borders keep us in. Sometimes, I think that maybe it's okay. Maybe it's a good thing, because day by day, we are just more certain.
   We'll get there one day, I just know it.
   Hopefully.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Calming Down

5:00 PM 0
Calming Down

   At Café Mary Grace again.
   It's the nearest place I could find solitude. And although, the buzz of chitchat around feels absolutely thrilling, the general ambiance and the smell of pasta are always a welcoming feat as well. Other than that of course, I've also been craving for some chocolate cake, but in this case, I found myself ordering a slice of Black Velvet - because at the end of the day, cream cheese is always a good choice.
   I actually had no plans whatsoever to go out today. In fact, I was saving this caprice of writing at a café for some other time. But I was asked to run a few shopping errands today, and I just felt like it was a good idea to squeeze this in for me to decompress and to write properly. So far, I must admit, it's working pretty well for me. Who would ever thought, right?
    So anyway, I was in that mood again where I wanted to withdraw myself into a hermit state. But, there was also this great part of me that wanted to have a substantial conversation over this warm ambiance that I'm currently in. A glass of wine to perhaps celebrate #NationalWineDay - which I never got to actually celebrate (I know, sad truth), - would also be a welcome bonus, if not, an appreciated thought, but meh. Most of the people I know have their own plans today, leaving me to resort to writing instead. I'm not complaining though; it's actually quite nice to have some time for myself.
   Yet, to be honest, these are the times when I actually don't want to spend time with myself. I genuinely feel like I've been doing so much of that lately, that I feel like I miss out on a lot of things, just as I have mentioned on my previous post. You see, it's a funny thing being asocial. One gets to be incredibly picky with the ones you surround yourself with, so much so, that when most of the people you'd want to be with are busy with their own lives, all you're left with is yourself. And truth be told, nothing is definitely wrong with that, it's just that sometimes it could be such a hassle, lol.
   Nevertheless, these past few days had left me pondering over a few things here and there, which made me feel like having an actual conversation about. Unfortunately, I can't exactly openly talk about them here on my blog, since they're too personal. That's why I needed an outlet, a distraction of some sort, to clear my head. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to have time to actually pick them apart, bit by awful bit, since it's another start of the week and we'd all get back to work.
   I also have to admit, that usually this would be the circumstance in which I'd freak out and have my neurotic tendencies, but surprisingly, I'm still rather calm. And really, that's a relief, because I definitely don't want to act crazy and freak out, feeling as if I have to take immediate control.
   Right now, I'll just breathe and go with the flow...
   Then let myself be neurotic at some other - more appropriate - time, lol.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Wasting My Young Years

4:00 PM 0
Wasting My Young Years

   It's been two weeks since I've last posted anything here.
   I've just been so busy, and apparently, even my weekends had been preoccupied because of familial events. As far as I do enjoy what I do on a daily basis - regardless of stress, pressure, and even my overall feeling like the walking dead - I do feel like I don't have much time to even think for myself. I've got too many thoughts going on, and sadly, they all just pass one moment too soon before I could even begin to ponder them. Otherwise, I'd find myself focusing on the more important matters at hand, letting my work life succumb even into my own personal life or time.
   So picture this: Last Sunday, I was at a family friend's momentous life event, and of course, it was filled with lots of people. Some I know, some I hardly know or just don't know at all, and some I did know but didn't give a damn about. Everyone was happy, while I however, was in my normal nonchalant neutral mode - slightly happy, but more or less, just "eh." Though, as always, I made sure that I didn't exude that kind of energy, so I donned myself into a nice dress and a pair of heels, a la Carrie Bradshaw.
   Nevertheless, it was a whole day occasion. The one in the morning, I arrived into the whole scene (my mother was already there, front and center because she played an integral role in it), before my introverted self withdrew and hid into an empty room, waiting for it to be all over and just let myself breathe for a second. Into the afterparty in the evening, I again, was surrounded with lots of people - the ones who have stayed from the festivities in the morning - but this time, there were drinks all around and there was a live band. Everyone was there to enjoy themselves and the company surrounding them. And like all big parties, one could find intimacy and privacy by hanging out within a smaller group (in a totally conversational way, of course; nothing profane or something that required censorship since there were kids running around as well, lol). Should you then be surprised if I say that there I was, served with a lukewarm, half-drunken bottle of beer, and I remained to be as asocial as ever? I was simply on my phone, trying to enjoy the music from Spotify that was blasting through the speakers, while we all waited for the band's next set. It wasn't until my mother completely noticed my typical behavior and inserted myself into the conversation she was having.
   I do have to hand it to her, because the woman she was talking to was a fashion designer.
   Et voila!
   My interests had been peaked, and for the rest of the night, I was engaged into a conversation about our love for fashion, creativity, and inspirations!
   Huzzah! 
   *Insert clapping emoji, lol*
   Anyway, I just wanted to give you guys a look into my life, as utterly uninteresting as that was. I seriously just realized how I needed to take a moment and just breathe. And in what better way can I possibly do that than to write? I felt like I miss it so much considering as how fast-paced everything is going on, and by writing, I find myself being able to decompress and just slow down to break my life into tiny bits and pieces before I reflect upon it.
   It's not just writing though. Sometimes, I feel like I'm missing so much out of my life, as if I'm barely living. Shouldn't I be out in the world, experiencing life, having all these adventures and having so much fun, whilst maintaining priorities et al? A friend told me that that'll just come into the future. After all, we're young and we still have plenty of time. Then again, I'm not exactly that crazy and outgoing much either.
   I do hope what she said is true, though. I guess, I just want to be able to make more memories and be more "in-the-moment," so to speak. I might not enjoy being in big crowds and mostly being surrounded by people that I barely even know, but what I do enjoy is having intimate, simple, but fun memories with the people I love.
   And I also hope that I'd be able to do more of it.