How Soon Is Now?

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Weekend

4:19 PM 0
Weekend


JUNE 9, SATURDAY
8:48 PM


   It's the start of the rainy season.
   I woke up today with the sound of the pitter patter on the rooftops, and it made it hard to get out of bed! But apparently, the past couple of days - no matter how hard the pouring was - work went on and on. And after all the much-needed breathing to regain my sanity, I was back to focus on all the tasks I needed to do for the week.
   Of course, since a new season has started, now I couldn't help but think about more appropriate footwear that won't get soaked when walking down the street and possibly stepping on puddles. Obviously, my go-to faux fur slides are a definite no-no for the season! So to shut my brain off, I found myself doing some window online shopping more so lately to possibly find said more appropriate footwear in the style I liked.
   And can I just say that online shopping is such a god-send!
   It's perfect for my lazy - slash - introverted ass, because then I can simply get everything online. A perfect example was today. Since it's a Saturday, and the rain was pouring hard this afternoon, I realized that I had to cancel my much needed mani-pedi session. By cancelling, I knew I wouldn't be able to drop by to some convenience store or more appropriately put, to some liquor store to buy some wine. I mean, let's be honest here, the colder weather makes for a much nicer ambiance to drink wine, right?
   Abso-fucking-lutely!
   So instead, I went on to order some Glen Ellen Merlot at an online liquor store. Right? Who would've thought such thing exists! But apparently, it does now, and although I've never really tried it before, I'm sure it'll be fabulous. I can't wait to sit cozily in front of my screen with a glass of wine in my hand, swirling it around while I watch episodes of Sex and The City again to shut my brain off.

10:30 PM
 
   Sad that my wine wasn't delivered. I received news that due to the bad weather, they won't be able to deliver it tonight, and will have it delivered tomorrow instead. I have now decided to resort to finishing that left-over wine that I have ditched over a week ago, because I wasn't exactly too keen on the taste - it was too dry for me.
   There's only one glass left anyway. I might as well finish it to get it over with...

JUNE 10, SUNDAY
8:05 PM


   I had to drag myself out of bed and out of the room today. The weather remained gloomy as ever, and I decided to stay in bed and finish reading Bridget Jones's Diary - hence, the format of this post. I figured it would be fun to mimic Helen Fielding's format when it came to those Bridget Jones books, and surprisingly, it is! Nevertheless, I was also on the verge of obsessing over my life and my love life a la Bridget and Carrie, minus chain-smoking and day drinking and chatting with friends over the phone. 
   I'm now starting to think that the reason why I love these kinds of books or shows stems from the fact that I am just like these women. And although, I'm not necessarily a thirty-something yet, but considering how I do have an old-soul within this twenty-something body, I think I might just be. I obsess over the little things, I overreact over the little things, and I can finish a bottle of wine all by myself at home in a cold Friday night. I don't plan on emulating these very flawed fictional women in my life, but somehow, I might not need to given how these similarities all fall into place. Then again, maybe it's that psychological effect - or more appropriately put (thanks to Google), the Barnum Effect - wherein one would feel related to some fictional entity when it could actually just be applicable to everyone. But come to think of it, the Barnum Effect is actually more appropriate for horoscopes and psychology tests...
   Is there another term for being able to relate to a fictional character so deeply, that one unconsciously puts one's self in their mindset? Or is it just "experiential crossing"?
   My mind seems to be wandering elsewhere...
   Anyway, my wine was delivered earlier this afternoon. I'm actually very happy with the fact that I can be able to have some good ole' Glen Ellen Merlot tonight. But not exactly as excited about the fact that there's work again tomorrow. I have to avoid finishing it all off tonight since I wouldn't want to sport a hangover on a Monday morning to start this week.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Out of Reach

3:36 PM 0
Out of Reach


June 1
8:30 PM


   It feels quite cliched that I'm literally sitting by the window of a Starbucks... Writing.
   It's another Friday night of pizza and booze - this time, I bought a bottle of Chardonnay which is sitting quite perfectly well on the wooden Starbucks table. It's wrapped in a brown paper bag so as to conceal my downward spiral into alcoholism --- kidding. 
   Though, maybe not.
   As I listened to SAD FM the other day, which actually now translates to "sad-songs-on-Spotify" playlist, there were certainly a few things I've realized that's unfolding for the past few weeks. One, I feel sad and lonely. Two, I continually feel disappointed over a few things that I'm left dumbstruck as to what to do. And third, perhaps there are some things I should just let go because it's not something I can control.
   It's funny how a moment of maturity just hits you hard whilst you're drying your hair with a blow dryer on a morning that you should be rushing off to work. But instead, you're left with remarkably tiny revelations that you already knew. Apparently, that's what happened to me the other day. And sure, maybe I was an hour late to work, but I cherished that moment. I hardly have any time to think nowadays. But then again, it seems before I drift off to sleep, that's the only time I have left to.
   So another thing I realized I needed was a day off, which made me take one today. Ever since that whole panic attack episode, I knew I just needed to step back and just breathe for a while. It's only one day, I know, but it already feels quite exhilarating. And although I've already spent enough "me" times on weekends, I sure still need more.
   It's just that everything seems to have started taking a toll on me, and it all started to pile up that I just needed a moment to regain my sanity. I need to breathe. I need to let go. Otherwise, it would feel as though I'm drowning. Or in this case, I'm the one drowning myself.
   Maybe that's why I'm writing more nowadays than I have in a year.
   I also need this.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Where's the Romance?

4:00 PM 0
Where's the Romance?

    I've always been fairly old-fashioned.
    After all, I wouldn't consider myself an "old soul" for nothing, right? But of course, being part of the Young Millennial set, I also consider myself a modern woman of the 21st Century. It's a perfect balance between being youthful and having conviction to know which trends to follow, while also marching to the beat of their own drum.
    But if I'm perfectly being honest, I would lean more onto the old-fashioned side of things, while taking advantage of modern technology.
   It's just more like me.
   *Shrugs*
   Today, I found myself wondering about dating in this digital age. It's something I've wondered about for quite a while now, actually. I've got friends who swipe left and right and constantly talk about online dating apps that I have never once known or tried before - but apparently, I keep hearing about. And once they match, they chat online at the comfort of their own seats whilst holding a screen, then possibly go on a date once or twice... After that, who knows.
   And it's not just about online dating apps. Even when you go on a real date with someone you really liked and made your stomach turn upside down, you still end up texting or chatting with them considering as everything is instantaneous and it's a perfect solution to wanting to be connected when you're not together. In fact, you might even spend more time chatting with a screen than with your actual love interest.
    I never thought I would be writing this, to be honest. But really, it begs the question -- is romance dead? Or is it still alive but it's just happening within our phones or computers?


    I have no personal issue with dating apps, and chatting over a screen. In fact, I've never even used a dating app at all, and I really have no plans to in the mere future. For others? Well, whatever floats their boat. But the thing is, we're so used to writing or formulating a conversation within a screen, what happened to making a real-time conversation in real life? And I'm sure you have noticed that it's not just with whoever you're dating, but even when you hang out with your friends, all of you have got your phones up on your faces, barely even speaking a word to each other.
    Wouldn't it be far more stimulating to make a connection in real life? To have a wonderful conversation over drinks while exchanging meaningful eye contact with each other? To make the slightest excitement and a shiver down the spine with a touch of an arm or a hand? To have someone's full, undivided attention without a phone blocking their faces?
   Should I stop wanting real, personal, intimate romance?
   Is romance is dead?

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Decompress

4:00 PM 0
Decompress


SATURDAY

7:46 PM

   After fourteen hours of sleep, I am still exhausted as hell.
   The past few weeks had been incredibly hectic at work, and now it's finally taking a toll on me - not just physically, but most importantly, mentally as well. I mean, of course, there are other things that could contribute to it other than exhaustion. Perhaps it's hormonal imbalance, or in this case, PM-fucking-S. Nevertheless, my brain is too scattered all over the place to write something or anything merely cohesive.
   I knew I needed a break, but it wasn't until yesterday that it actually hit me hard with that anxiety - slash - panic attack episode I had. And no, I don't want to get into the whole detail but apparently, it has happened before considering as I do have "mild" anxiety. But it hasn't been triggered that way for such a long time, and I was just as surprised and as perplexed while it happened.
   So last night, I decided to tuck myself in bed quite early, and lo and behold, I slept for those x number of hours. But even then, I planned on staying home this weekend. I even bought some pizza and some wine for the whole thing! But apparently, I found my mother forcing me to go out, or at least wanting to see me and spend time with me. Of course, I had no way out, regardless whether she knew I had a panic attack or whatever.
   I simply couldn't refuse.
   I then realized that sure, it can be good for me to spend some time out tonight. In fact, I'm already in a car on my way to her as I am writing this. But I couldn't help but still ask myself why am I not at home resting as I actually should be? I don't necessarily look forward to roaming around and being with a bunch of people out in public, other than the meal that we'll be eating. Besides, have you been outside? The sweltering heat already makes me want to hide from civilization as it is.
   I just want to decompress, by myself, with a good book and a glass of wine, and most probably re-watch episodes of Sex And The City and shut my brain off.
   Is that too difficult to understand?


PS: It's 1:09 AM. I'm back home and I just opened that bottle of red wine (though, now that I'm drinking it, it's not as good as I though it would be) while finally re-watching SATC episodes again... I actually enjoyed my time outside tonight, and although I was still not 100% okay and was quite anxious on the way there, it turned out to be quite good for me. :)

Saturday, May 19, 2018

We're Going Home

4:00 PM 0
We're Going Home


   After work, I suddenly found myself sitting at a hotel lounge with my colleague, just so we can finish the day's work.
  Apparently, it never really ends, does it?
  Hello startup life!
  Anyway, so since I was already finished for the day, I suddenly had this urge to write just because this ambiance I'm currently being embraced in is giving me such good and relaxed vibes, I knew I definitely had to settle down and take advantage of it. Besides, I also have to say that this cup of earl grey tea is the cherry on top of my day, and where else could I possibly say that, right?
   Right.
   I've been wanting to write during my down time, but I only find myself relaxing on weekends. Most of the time, I try to shut my brain off by watching some shows or films, or I go out for some errands - including some much-awaited "me"-time in the forms of getting pampered with a trip to the nail salon, hair salon, or any spa that I could stumble upon. So whenever the time comes that I wish to sit down in front of a blank screen to write something... No ideas come out.
   Na-da.
   I couldn't even formulate proper sentences just to put my point across!
   It's that, or what I would like to express is simply too personal for me to feel like I should put it out into the whole wide world of the internet. And so, I end up not being able to write anything down at all, which sucks obviously.
   Nevertheless, there is something that I would like to quickly touch up on while I have this opportunity. If there was anything that I've realized that I've learned for the past few months, it's the fact that I have not completely lost myself. There were moments where I felt like I was so engrossed into this aspect of my life, that I felt as if I was being co-dependent. That if I lose it, I would then completely lose myself and maybe I was already on the verge of it.
   But no.
   I have not.
   Instead, this other side of me has come out. I just knew I could and would survive no matter what. And sure, the circumstances might not be as dire as I might be delivering this, but it certainly didn't feel like myself sulking around deep in my own dumps. So I got myself out of it, and I knew that when I did, I needed some more self-love.
   And right now, amidst all this chaotic and fast-paced life, maybe that might be the most important thing after all.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

The Rest Are Just Curious

10:05 PM 0
The Rest Are Just Curious
 
"If it's not on Social Media, then it didn't happen."
   This seems to be the mantra of today's society. But for some reason, now that I'm writing this with much more clarity in mind, this week made me question that saying more than anything else. And to be honest, it seems to be a good question to actually ponder over given that I'm part of the Young Millennial set, wherein we took in technology and are definitely more inclined with social media that we basically live and breathe it.
   I've been using it since the day it started. Now, I don't need to bother mentioning to you all the different platforms I've been and are currently in, but certainly, I've had different experiences in it. There are ones that I like to be in more (like Twitter), and there are ones that I would like to detract myself from but couldn't because I need it for work (hello, Facebook). There had been times where I've given myself a detox by completely shutting down and disconnecting from the cyber world, which helped me realize the finer things in life and how to not overshare too much. And there had been times, when it also felt too toxic to be in it, and how fabricated it all seemed to be.
   I have to admit though, when I did that - y'know, shut myself out of it - it felt like I had gone on with a broken limb or something. It felt like something was missing, and there were moments that I wish I could share to everyone who would possibly see it. But when I got the hang of it, I felt so much lighter and better. I realized that nobody would really care whether I shared this or that, unless if it was really socially important and would create an impact to society, but everything else was just some sort of an...
   Excess. 
   So come this week, where I questioned my trust issues and how I always seemed to have this perspective on myself being an open book, it was suddenly brought to my attention that maybe I had been too much of an open book. That not everything private in my life should be shared to everyone else - regardless whether with family, friends, or with social media. That perhaps I should be careful of what to say to others because apparently, not everyone deeply cares about what I say or how I feel, but that they're just plain curious about it.
    And sure, there are times when I just want to shout how I feel from the rooftops, regardless how happy or how devastated and livid I am; maybe I should just keep things to myself and a very close few that I can really trust. Now that I've encountered this and hit me in a way that totally caught me off guard, all I can do now is learn from it and try to avoid it the next time.
   But off the record, I just feel very lucky that people are looking out for me and what's best for me. And that's wonderful, because now I know who are the ones who actually really do care. 

 

Monday, March 12, 2018

The Things You Do

12:50 AM 0
The Things You Do


SUNDAY
12:12 AM


   I just watched a two-hour marathon of The Wonder Years.
   For the past few weeks, it's been like my ritual after I've discovered this TV channel which aired a bunch of old yet famous shows from the '80s to the '90s. Yet, there was something that intrigued me upon stumbling an episode from that show. Maybe it was Fred Savage's charming face, or how you could hear his character's future and older self narrating his thoughts and of course, the storyline. Or maybe it's because of the fact that it's supposed to be a comedy, and yet there aren't any laugh tracks in the background, and all you can do is realize its dry humor which you yourself share with it.
   But the thing is, every time I finish watching an episode, I always feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
   And I think that's nice.
   Anyway, I know it's been weeks since the last time I've written. But that's because I've been up and about with things to do and events to go to left and right. Not to mention, the never-ending work that keeps intervening and runs my life at least ninety percent of the time. Apparently, that explains the old adage of my "I'm-tired,-I-need-rest" tweets for the past few weeks. And sure, sometimes it daunts me and it makes me cranky, but it's better than doing nothing, right?
   Right.
   But I know I need some sort of work-life balance. In fact, I needed more of a social life, which I do get with my after-work dinners and drinks with my colleagues, but last week was the tip of the iceberg which made me realize I needed to hang out with my friends more. Or at least, have some time alone to decompress this weekend, which was what I ended up doing instead of going to that Wanderland concert. And no, it wasn't like I actually bought tickets to see it or experience it, but it would've been fun.
   Unfortunately, my wallet never had the leisure of actually doing that.
   Nevertheless, I figured I could go to other events like the Big Bad Wolf which was a huuuge book sale at the World Trade Center last February and of course, the Art Fair at The Link in Makati two weeks ago. I felt like those two were the ones I couldn't miss at all. Although, I did nearly miss Big Bad Wolf because I thought I couldn't have the time to go since I would be at work, but when I found out it was open for twenty-four-damn-hours, that's when I didn't care anymore. I just knew I had to go! So I did what any bookworm had to do; I forced my work friends who are also bookworms to join me in my excursion. And the rest was history! The Art Fair however, was an easy decision since I went every year!
   I had a wonderful time, of course. I went to two events that I was absolutely passionate about. But for the past few weeks, work had droned on and on and on. And as much as I would like to have gone to a concert and what-have-yous, well... You know how it is (and you're probably experiencing this concern too, lol).
   I can only hope that this week would turn out better. And if anything, I'm already actually dreading it. I know that I should be grateful for the wonderful opportunity that had gone my way last week, but I have to admit that I'm rather nervous about it. Aside from needing my old friends, which I've had the pleasure to actually take some time to visit the past few weeks, I also needed one other thing, if not most of all...
  That certain someone.
  My someone.
  I need you to come home.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Just A Fantasy

2:39 AM 0
Just A Fantasy


SUNDAY
2:11 AM


   I've always been cynical. Jaded. Yet, here I am, onto my second bottle of beer, and I just finished watching Pretty Woman, one of my favorite films of all time. And apparently, I've watched it more than a few times that I can hardly count. It's the perfect feel good film, when you just want to shut things off and all you can do is watch, but clearly, some scenes could actually pick on your emotions (and I'm not talking about the hot scenes there).
   What's funny is, I might be this cynical and jaded girl, but I actually do like really nice chick flicks every once in a while - the ones that tug on your heartstrings, that can make you swoon with a silly smile on your face, vouching for the ship that's developing and unraveling before your eyes. And I do detest the sappy and cliched crap (especially in real life), but let's face it, every now and then a girl does fantasize being swept over her feet, all tingly and warm with that silly smile on her face that she just couldn't wipe off because it's...
   Dare I say it...
   Romantic.


   But life slaps you hard on the face, waking you to the cold and bitter truth of reality that none of those might ever happen. Hell, one couldn't even be too sure of anything at all. And every time there is uncertainty, it only makes me want to curl up and withdraw myself from civilization. The same thing goes whenever I try and push past my emotions, trying to keep them in check when in truth, I'm not okay at all. And since we're being honest here tonight, I haven't been okay for a while now.
   I've been feeling more alone and lonely than I have in a long time.
   Perhaps the reason why I also love Pretty Woman is because I somehow can relate to it, in its own fucked up way that I can read between the lines and see the underlying context which can be taken similarly in my life. And no, it's not the whole prostitute-Cinderella story that I could see the similar context in. It's more of the Richard Gere thing, his character, and this... Okay, I don't want to get into the whole ordeal.
   Too personal.
   Too raw.
   Something that I definitely do not want to talk about. Not when I feel sad and vulnerable, toppling all my other emotions that I try so hard to keep in check with not much success. And normally, I wouldn't admit this out loud - or even write this in black and white - with me being sad, and all that other shit. But I guess we can all call this character development.
   Because I know that it's okay to not be okay.
   And I think it's time that I finally should be honest, not only with myself, but with everyone else.