LOST - How Soon Is Now?

Wednesday, February 29, 2012


    I am nothing but a leaf, unattached from a tree, and was blown away by the wind. No destination. Just going away... Like a lost soul in bodies of water as the world seems to spin around me without anything happening. I've certainly disregarded these feelings of mine, but today, it seemed to float up in my head. And I find myself torn between two choices again. The future seems too near already, I can feel it. And I've told myself that I can screw my worries, I am going to put my future into the palm of God's hands!
   Yet, I am finding myself in the same situation again. For the past few days, I've been feeling as if I didn't want to take the Reconsideration Test to my dream school. I just felt as if I wasn't truly meant to be there. And right before I've passed my Application Form last year, I felt right then and there that I wasn't going to pass. No matter how optimistic I wanted to be - how I wanted to push hopeful thoughts inside my brain, it just seems to reject them, and my gut kept pushing that my optimism was false. Indeed, it was. After I've looked at my results, after the sorrows of failing, I felt a tad bit of courage to say that I wanted to take the Reconsideration Test. Courageous enough that I felt myself a tad bit of hope. Yet now, as the test is only a week away, I am finding myself rather doubtful. I feel, at this moment, as if I don't want to anymore, because it was as if I knew - for sure - that I wasn't meant to be there. That I wasn't meant to go there.
   I should probably continue contemplating. And no, I am not a quitter. Never will I be! No matter how much I wanted to get in to that school. I know when I am not wanted. I know what I'm not fit to. So why do I push myself for it? Sure, I felt as if I was truly meant there, but I just had to accept the cold hard truth - I am not. In fact, I never truly had imagined myself walking in those halls, into that campus. I never saw myself in it. No matter how much I wanted to be in it. And you know, maybe this is a time for me to realize the good in bad things. I am sure there is something waiting for me out there. Something that I have never even dreamed of! Not to mention, I am not going to be continually upset over rejection. Tons of successful people out there had tons of it as well! It's a natural way of life! I just have to be patient for the good things. You know what they say, "Good things come to those people who wait." And I completely agree.
   For now, I'll continue contemplating. And when I've finally come to a conclusion, I'll let you know. ;)


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