Self-restraint.


  Just moments ago before I even began to write this post, I was writing another post about the fact that I have plenty of self-restraint that I like to take control and just afraid to take risks. I was elaborating more about that and why I have come to realize that, until I couldn't seem to elaborate any further. I only had one and a half paragraphs, and I had to cut myself short because I couldn't seem to remember why I suddenly had myself writing that. And then I basically brushed my hand over my cheek in frustration as I tried to recall what inspired me to begin writing that. I recalled that I read someone has taken a lot of risks to get to where they were now, and I also recalled that I have began to feel frustrated with myself yet again, only to have concluded that I am not that much of a risk-taker in the first place. And then I couldn't seem to write any more because I felt frustrated again since I couldn't seem to grasp any of my ideas lately...
  I somehow felt lost all of a sudden. As if I was stranded in the middle of the ocean, in the vast seas of the deep abyss. It was as if I had lost track of myself and could be considered as a mere stranger. But of course I knew. Sometimes, I think that as the days go by, with this neutrality and certain events overwhelming me, and with the same scenery, I just feel as if I could fade into the background. I couldn't seem to fathom why I had been feeling this way. Was it because I have too much time with myself? Or was it because being here most of the time have depleted my confidence as I have said before? Was it because I have been in a continuous juxtaposition between craving for doing something excitingly new, and yet, afraid to go out of my comfort zone as if the world was going to bite me on my rear end? Was it because I couldn't seem to find myself continually motivated? Or was it because I really did lose track of myself? But who could possibly do that?
  For someone who has tons of self-restraint, I don't really think that I lost track of myself. Before, I always wanted to be in control of such circumstances that if something didn't go with my plan, I ultimately feel disappointed or I freak out. Take as an example of the fact that I didn't pass my dream school. I was in an emotional spiral during that time, and I ultimately agree that I was a tad overly dramatic there. That was because I always envisioned myself to be in the colleges that I wanted to be in. Mainly, that was my first choice, and I didn't get in. I know everyone had certain scenarios like this at some point or another, but I thoroughly admit that I was never the happy-go-lucky or go-with-the-flow kind of girl. I always plan. But I also think that that part of me lessened after my whole college issue last year and everything that came with that, that led me (or us) to this moment. I basically did not want to set myself up for disappointment, so I just stopped planning every step of my life because change was inevitable. I learned that the hard way and I also learned that there were some things that were out of my hands. There were some things that I couldn't be in control of.
   And the other thing was, I just feel as if I have been restraining myself too much. Perhaps that was the problem. Perhaps I had been too complacent now, that I feel as if some things in my life were just out of my control. That perhaps that I have somehow considered to wait for the great unknown or the Universe to throw something at me, which made me more complacent and lost, because I always wanted to be in control before. Maybe taking the leap wasn't the only thing that I needed to work on. Maybe I should just get myself together, get a grip, take control of the wheel, clasp my hands onto the great unknown's while I hope for the best, and just go ahead and continue to drive...
   And perhaps what Gossip Girl said was true, only I still have to try the latter part to know if it really was.
“Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are. And where you wanna be. And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself.”
- Gossip Girl 

   

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