The Road Less Travelled...

    I don't know whether that statement rings true since a lot of people are currently in the same situation as I am, but amongst my friends, perhaps this might be. As I broke out the news when the August started about my neverending "education situation" (I like how that sounds, perhaps we could use that as a term from now on... :P) and emphasized that nothing was definite, well... Apparently now, it's not gonna happen. At least, not yet. Or whatever, I'm not so sure. We'd have to consult my mother about that. But yeah... So that's that. Now though, I can finally explain to you about that "hopelessness" I felt when I posted the "Nothing good happens after 2AM" post.
   You see, as always, I had a hunch that I might not go back to school this semester, and that feeling usually happened - yes, you've got it - after two in the morning. I didn't want to believe it and instead, I focused on what and how I would feel if I didn't. How I would react to it and all of that. So my initial reaction to the thought was dread and hopelessness. Time was fleeting; it's nearly been two years, and I just keep hoping that maybe if I continue to wait it out - if I still can - then maybe it will happen soon. I knew I just had to be patient. But then, I knew this time, that I have to move on. That I've waited it out long enough, that maybe this wasn't the right time. And perhaps it really wasn't.
    The thought of moving on meant taking a huge step in my life that as much as possible, as I waited, I avoided it. But I guess it's time to face the music, to finally accept it and take on this step, even if it does scare the shit out of me. You might probably think that taking the inevitable step - which you might've already thought of in the past when you read my posts, but I never addressed it (until now) - of getting a job would be easy as pie, and it's the only logical thing to do. And I do agree with you, I've agreed to this with all the people who have mentioned it to me, not once but several times. But the thing was, I was admittedly scared. Remember that post I wrote last year about doubting myself? Yes, that was a huge part of it. I was scared because I felt like I didn't have much foundation to even take that step, that I'm not ready yet - or even at all. You might think it's all too ridiculous, but I guess, I just never expected that I would have to consider that so soon. That I thought that I would have to go through this whole education arc before I get there, y'know? And I know, yes, I do know that you think that I sound so ridiculous at the moment, but please do understand. And as Mark Antony said on his eulogy for Caesar by William Shakespeare, "bear with me." I mean, it is all relative, you know? And this is my journey after all, so yeah... Oh and just to be clear, I'm not scared of the work per se that I have to do, in fact, I do enjoy the grind more often than not, but... Agh, I don't know why. I guess the pressure's there, y'know? I can't exactly describe it. That's the best that I could as I gave it a shot. But I'll let you in on this... Perhaps I'm scared because getting a job would mean that I am finally turning into an adult. That I have to grow up and that the world is coming to me. That this other part of reality will finally come to me. So I guess that's the other reason why.
   Now though, I'd have to take the plunge. Perhaps it's the thought of going out of my comfort-zone again that scares me, too. But what could be so terrible that scares me so much, right? I don't know either. For now though, I do have a great feeling about this. Mother aims to get me back to school next term which won't be until January. So now, I've got another five months...
   Should I take the plunge or just wait it out again?


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