Defiance - How Soon Is Now?

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Defiance



   Perhaps it is a bit idiotic.
   Perhaps it is my last shed of naïveté.
   Perhaps it was a waste of time.
   Perhaps Damon Salvatore was right.

   For almost three years, I've been in this endless cycle, trying desperately to grasp on to the flickering lights of hope, that one day... One day, my caprice for it to just happen, would come. And in all honesty, I do not know how I managed to do it - to keep my head up and be so determined to believe that it would probably come. It does feel a bit alien to me somehow because I did not know that I could actually be that optimistic. In fact, I've always viewed myself as a bit of a pessimist, sometimes even more so in some circumstances. Yet, whilst I contemplated something over the past week, a question was ignited within me: How did I do it? How did I manage to get myself to stick around and hold it out for this long?
   My answer?
   I don't know...
   During these past few years, I've received a lot of advice. Most of them I agree to, some I don't - but those were only a rare few. I've also received help (emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) from a lot of friends and family, who I truly appreciate because it showed how much they cared about me and that I do have a huge support system from them. But at the end of the day, I realized it wasn't just because I was scared and I had my own fears while I doubted myself. I realized that it was because I did hold on and continue to hold on to that little hope that that was why I remained to be here in this position. That all along, that was at the back of my mind - that it was actually the underlying reason behind my own fears.
   Yes, it may be stupid. It may be a bit naive. It may have been a gigantic waste of time. It may be ridiculous for being so scared of something that's totally conventional and mundane. And I may have been called all sorts of things too, to being terribly picky or perhaps even indolent, to someone incredibly lax or perhaps even timid, and indecisive. Hell, some might think I'm way in over my head and that I might be borderline delusional. And if I was from the outside, looking in over someone else's life, I would've agreed on those too. I would probably tell myself to just get it fucking together. But the other thing that I've learned is this: "Easier said than done."
   And while I've got a bunch of people, trying to dictate how I should live my life - to what and how I should feel, to what and how I should be, to what I should like and dislike, to what and how I should do, to even down to the way that I should think that my passions are irrelevant and that I should figure out some other that's more "relevant," - I guess I just never let society take much hold on me.
   At least...
   Not anymore.
   I have come to an acceptance, that what hope I'm holding onto might never happen. That perhaps I am destined for something greater. No, this does not mean that I'm officially giving up and that I've come to write my submission; it's actually the opposite. This acceptance that I've come to terms to indicate my breakthrough, and while I was still on my way to that - y'know, the "long-wait-that-wasted-so-much-of-my-time" - defined my strength and my growth as a person. And that's one of the many things that I've learned and become. I've also come to an acceptance of the fact that some of the important people in my life might not accept or respect my passions, and that's okay. Yes, it might've stung a little but I cannot change their opinions, and it somehow makes me even more determined to pursue them.
   In this moment, I am writing with this fire that had once ignited within me and thought was lost, but now has come back fiercer than ever. Perhaps this was the other thing that I've waited for, to finally be the new and improved version of myself that I wanted to be. That this was the part of myself that I've written about tons of times already, feeling lost when really, this integral part was the one that was lost and made me doubt myself.
   I am writing this to indicate my breakthrough from the confines of myself (and further improvements along the way), and finally...
   Finally, move on.



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