"With great risk, comes great reward..." - How Soon Is Now?

Sunday, June 28, 2015

"With great risk, comes great reward..."

From theinspiredroom.net
   I have heard of this great quote from Thomas Jefferson on this monthly horoscope cast on Youtube (yes, I am very much entertained by them, don't judge me, lol), and I was watching that at around three in the morning. Yes, it might have been a bit unconventional - at least, for those who have normal body clocks, in which, I unfortunately do not have. But for what I've discovered through my own writing habits, wherein I usually have writer's block nowadays, is that inspiration does come at the most unexpected of times. That was when I found how that quote was to be my so-called "mantra," considering how I am finally putting myself out there and trying to contribute myself to society, of which was to be considered as one of my breakthroughs - as you've probably already known from my previous posts.
   So there I was... Three AM, ready for bed, grasping my phone on the palm of my hand while my earphones were plugged into my ears, taking the horoscope cast in. I went to sleep with an optimistic perspective that night, with that imagine in my head as what was going to happen - that I was finally prepared and about to take a risk by trying to obtain what I've always wanted. And basically, I did. I think it was the next day that I ultimately tried to take the plunge. It went well, but not as well as I would've hoped, since I do not have any clue whatsoever what was going on and why it was taking far too long now. Plus, the anticipation was a killer, and it would always be, so it seemed.
   This was when the optimism faded, and it was replaced by dread.
   Remember that post a few weeks ago about how I detested small talks and how I encounter them most of the time for the past few years? Yes, well... Apparently, that was what triggered it all. Those fears and doubts that ran through the back of my mind - the ones of which I deliberately ignored - had resurfaced, as I've already told you, and they weren't exactly all too difficult to put down. I was afraid that what had been said to me about that situation that I had anticipated were true. I remained hopeful that I would get it, but of course, as much as I detest to admit this, what they said had been right, no matter how naively I remained optimistic about it. At first I thought that it was just something a typical naysayer would say, and how I viewed them as deeply jaded and cynical. With that said, I also had this perspective on my mind that they were harshly realistic towards me - a kid who had a big dream. After that post I wrote, tumbling my sudden anger and my distaste over the situation that had transpired, in which I reveled into that emotion because that was where I found comfort, I had stood up from my chair and left my desktop, before I finally settled myself onto the living room's couch. Then I stared into space, pondering over it while my heart pounded and my thoughts raced.
   I freaked out.
   Yes, there it was. The very circumstance of what I had been trying to avoid for so long, and if I may say so, I thought that I was actually doing well.... Until that moment. Emotions rushed through, giving me a bit of a headache. I was more than perturbed, that I sat there as if I was in the same scenario as I had been a few years ago, thinking about the what-ifs of the worst cases that could happen, imagining myself living the same life as I am now or even doing the same things because I couldn't go further into the distance. This was all while I had this feeling as if my dreams were being shattered right in my face, and anxiety loomed like a dark cloud or even a dementor sucking the optimistic life out of me.
   But then, I stopped.
   I wasn't going to give up or give into my neurotic paranoia and anxiety. I've already gone down this road before, but the only difference now was that my fears and doubts with myself had no hold over me any longer. Yes, after calming myself, I wasn't exactly feeling all too well, but nevertheless, I was quite alright. The next day, I went out and had fun with my friends. Then the day after that however, I woke up and I spent a few hours in bed afterwards, contemplating life in general. I came to the conclusion that I had two choices: a) It was either I would accept the fact that that scenario,where the naysayer had declared I wouldn't be able to achieve was true, in order to move on to other pursuits and try again, or b) I would just let myself engulf into my own freak-outs and utter state of denial.
   I've grown conscious with myself and even realized that I was turning into an official adult when I finally chose the former. As difficult as it was to swallow - like downing a pill without the help of some fluid - I had to accept it and move on. The world was a land filled with opportunities and one must simply strive to find such even in the most unlikely of places. And yes, as of now, I haven't found the so-called "golden ticket" of an opportunity yet, but I had finally decided to have a plan - which was another of those things that I had avoided, so as to not be disappointed. Though, it was a bit idiotic of me, I thoroughly admit, to have thought of it that way. But it was simply because there was no way to avoid disappointment at all. And so, the perks of planning would not only help me with this goal - the same one I've always had - but it would also prepare me to answer those questions when I find myself engaged in those blasted small talks again.
    So as far as risks go, it was also quite idiotic of me to have thought that one grand gesture, at least from my perspective, would simply be rewarded with just a snap of God or the universe's fingers. I forgot about the part where I had to persevere and strive and simply toil in it. Still... I can't hide that I am quite demotivated and also quite feeling hopeless but apparently, we must go forward.
   Otherwise, my fears would come true...
   I'll be stuck living the same life as I am now - different day, but the same shit.


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