Yearning... - How Soon Is Now?

Wednesday, July 29, 2015


   Turned twenty...
   I couldn't even begin to decipher how I feel about it. No, I don't even feel old - and why should I, really? It's just a turning point into adulthood, that's all. Nothing scary about opening into a new chapter of a decade, it's actually pretty exciting. Yet, what's not much of a big deal, I am actually kind of freaking out about. Perhaps it's this expectation that it would be quite different - at least, for my life in general, where I would be in a different place, and going into the direction of where I really want to go - or perhaps this expectation that I am already getting there at the present time. I don't know, it's quite puzzling, and here I am rambling again.
   But I guess you're kind of used to that, huh?
   Anyway, what I do know is that I feel this great hunger within me. I yearn for some grand opportunity where one would actually take a chance on me and see this "potential" that my peers and superiors seem to have spoken of or even acknowledged. Of course, it's not really some "grand" opportunity, but for me, to be simply given a chance to prove myself and push myself, I consider it to be one. I just don't want this so-called "potential" to go into waste, that it'll only remain to be an assumption or a meaningless word thrown around in a way to describe someone. I want someone to actually believe in me - believe that I could go into the distance - and have potential enough to be invested in, y'know? And somehow, I couldn't seem to know where to begin or even where I could find that.
   The other thing I am torn about however, is that I couldn't seem to give myself that time, or more importantly, I couldn't seem to find some of the people in my life to give me that time - the one where I find them investing in me and my capabilities. I've already mentioned this before, y'know the fact that they deem my passions as irrelevant or something to be considered as a joke or something - and apparently, there is a difference between actually and deeply supporting someone, than letting them simply do what they want because no matter what they say or do, the other wouldn't really care at all. And basically, the latter part is where I am at right now. Yes, I should be happy that I've finally gotten my go-signal, as I've already mentioned before as well, but then again, I still find myself dedicating my life to someone else, and I am at this point too, where I'm very close to being done. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that considering that I do it for the people that I love immensely. But there are times when I want to be selfish and practically abandon all these responsibilities that aren't even supposed to be mine, that fall upon my shoulders, and just go do what I want and be this fun twenty year old that I couldn't even be. I yearn for that, too, along with finally trying to make a life for myself.
   And so now that I've turned into this age, I've come to realize that there should be something happening in my life, whether it be a crappy job that I don't even like - to pay my dues, or even one where I don't get paid but gives me an experience to jump start my career, or probably go and enroll in a short course, too. There are tons of possibilities, but frankly, I don't even know where to begin or the fact that whether I'll be accepted in jobs that I'd choose, or even get to really enroll for that coveted short course I've had my eyes on.
   I just want something to happen, to at least start something instead of feeling as if my future is bleak. And honestly, that leaves me feeling quite irritable lately. Behind all those swirling thoughts however, I seem to have an inner debate within myself whether is it okay to finally be selfish from time to time? Is that time now? If not, when will it be? Will I just be stuck here if I don't do something? Am I making this fear my own destiny?
   I hope not...

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