Twenty Seconds: Take It Or Leave It? - How Soon Is Now?

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Twenty Seconds: Take It Or Leave It?

   I've let myself be succumbed into hibernation.
   I just got into this mood where I didn't feel like talking to anyone (except for family who's here at home, apparently), going out (unless needed to, i.e. errands), and all I wanted to do was be curled up in bed with a good book, some good music, and writing. So that's exactly what I did for two weeks. Not exactly all too eventful, but it wasn't exactly all too uneventful either, since I've got errands to run (as always), and I was able to travel into another alternate universe with books.
   And honestly, I loved it.
   Perhaps I needed this down time to replenish myself and my soul. I mean, some alone time couldn't actually hurt anyone. In fact, it gave me some time to think as I relished this solitude I felt over the simplicity of it all. I was even able to finish three books, as I hit the second week mark of my so-called "hibernation." Not that that's all I've been doing y'know, I guess I was just too absorbed into those books that I happened to find myself reading them while I'm out for an errand and waiting for something. It was a relief, I'll have to say that. And don't worry, soon enough you'll know what those books that've kept me preoccupied, since I happen to plan a specific post for it.
   Now though, I'm glad to say that I'm out of that rut. Sure, a part of me still wants to curl up in bed with a good book, avoiding outside contact from the world, but that's always going to exist within me. But I suddenly had this revelation that I had too much time to think now, and it's either I dread it or love it all on the same time - depends on what I'm pondering over. I know that that wasn't a surprise, considering I just jumped into that rabbit-hole when I had the chance, and I fell deeply into it. Even if I somehow dread over pondering some things that I beat myself up for, I still revel in it, because all I do want is to gain more perspective.
   With that said, it came upon my revelation that I craved and have this great caprice for an intelligent conversation wherein I pour out these wonderings (and may or may not rant along the way) and receive an exchange to gain even more insight and perspective. After all, what good would all this pondering do if I do not share it, and vice versa, right? So perhaps I can share another observation with you...
   Of course, as much as I'd like to, I don't possibly want to bore you. So if you happen to find yourself uninterested with my perspective or insight, then by all means, stop reading. Otherwise, go on, if you do want to.
   Anyway, so a few days ago, I stumbled into this quote that was posted on Instagram from one of my friends' friend, who I happened to have met in a few instances. It said something about having these twenty seconds of insane courage, wherein you give yourself that time before you muster such, and finally stump out those fears that held you back by doing something out of your comfort zone afterwards. It struck something within me, so much so, that even now (I am writing this post on my phone at 2:33 AM, on a Saturday - August 15), I couldn't seem to forget about it. My mind then wandered off into this other thing that I dreaded - amongst other things, of course - and thought how we simply waste time in avoiding certain situations especially when trying to save fallen-out relationships (again, I mean this in the most general of terms, i.e. friendships, familial ties, and yes, love life).  As my mind wandered off, trying to remember why I had that certain fall-out with someone that I once - and still - do care about, I remembered them and then found myself weighing the pros and cons as I wondered how they were and how was their lives, and would it be alright if I actually tried to talk to them again?
   So there was my trail of thoughts. The pros were, what if they were feeling the same way as I was? What if both of us have wanted to speak to each other again but was too chicken to do so? What if I just have to be more empathetic and compassionate? What if it could turn out better than ever before? The cons were, well, the fact that I remembered my firm reasons about such fall-out, the fact that what if they've certainly moved on with their lives that they wouldn't have a spare space for me? What if they never want to speak to me again or at all? What if I'm shooting my luck out and only end up dreading trying again? What if when I finally pour out my heart and soul about my emotions over such predicament, I would only be judged and misunderstood?
   I guess, the worst I could think of was: What if they did not or no longer cared? Was I - along with my affections and thoughts, the very fiber of my being - simply irrelevant in terms that I was now going to be discarded and disregarded?
   Now, change is indeed inevitable - and clearly, that does not exclude such happening from people. And I do get that. But again, the post wherein I mentioned how I feel and have this perspective on how relationships can be fickle, comes into the surface. Somehow, I just have this irrationally insane hope that we are all aiming for the latter part (that I mentioned on that post), and so now, I am trying to be that not-so clichéd line of, "Be the change you want to see." Needless to say, this is the part where these thoughts of:  So what if I have to try again, or if they don't care anymore, or they don't want to talk to me, or whatever else I happened to dread on my cons? There's nothing wrong with that, and at least I tried again. I've got nothing to lose…
   And all those sudden "fuck it" thoughts that I could possibly think of to stump out my cons.
   Then, that was when I realized that perhaps this is the time when I need those twenty seconds of insane courage. Not just with these fickle relationships, but with anything and everything that makes me let myself be stuck in this prison (another line that struck me when I watched Josh Radnor's film, "Liberal Arts" - "Well, any place you don't leave is a prison."). Perhaps I need to take a deep breath and count to twenty before I finally make a complete ass out of myself. Sure, it's not exactly all too appealing at first, but then again, I am very keen on not taking myself and everything all too seriously. So perhaps it isn't all too bad, right? I can just laugh it off in a few years or so - worst case scenario, lol - or even in that same instance after it happened. We can all develop a sense of humor somehow, and I do believe that that can help along the way, too. So now, y'know, what if I just do it then? Gain this insane courage after twenty seconds? What could be so dreadful on the other end once I try and make a fool of myself?
   And why not?

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