The Allure Of It All... - How Soon Is Now?

Friday, October 30, 2015

The Allure Of It All...

  This is leaving me quite irritable. I've let myself be succumbed into this - the thrill of it all, the endless wonder, the challenge, the desire, and the attention. This was the fourth week, and I sit here, relenting and feeling restless. I detest this. I detest myself. How did I come to this? How could I have let myself fall into the allure of it all - the illusion? I feel idiotic, foolish, thinking I should know better. And I do, yet a part of me still felt the caprice of it all, with the hopes that it could be true.
   Could it be, really?
   I was reading Melissa Dela Cruz's book, "Vampires of Manhattan," which was the new sequel to the Blue Bloods series, and Mimi and Kingsley (my OTP from the series) weren't helping at all. It breaks my heart to see what they've become, which leaves me more unresolved and conflicted. Am I only feeding myself these deluded thoughts, waiting just as they were in the novel?
   The other thing is, I detest being ignored. A part of me feels a sudden wave of resentment for being so foolish as to expect the attention - to know that there really is something there, that a hint of emotion would exist so I could easily manipulate it. But alas, perhaps there really was none of the aggravating emotional coil of it all. If only I could know. If only this wouldn't be so hard to figure out... But that's the other thing, isn't it? Perhaps I should stop figuring it out and accept this current of disappointment that would soon come anyway. Yet, a juxtaposition it has always been, for I still cling unto this false hope.
    I want to play the game. I want to rile them as much as they rile me. I want them to submit to me and wave the white flag. I want to be a hard ass, not willing to be affected by any of this bullshit. I want to out-maneuver them, to turn the table, to set the game with my rules and my dice. But as they say... If you play fire with fire, you might get burned.
   And perhaps that's exactly what's happening. I'm getting burned alive and it's bittersweet.
   So much so that it never fails to make my heart leap.

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