Ch-Ch-Changes - How Soon Is Now?

Sunday, December 27, 2015


- Damon Salvatore
   Earlier this year, I knew that I wanted some change to happen in my life. Perhaps the fact that I was turning twenty (and have embraced such age since my birthday came) also had some factor in it. I told myself that since another new decade was coming into my life, I have to make a few decisions to embrace change. And so, as you already know, one of those decisions was to be open and to try something new, such as finally getting a rather mundane job to obtain experience. And although at first, I was very much far gone from my comfort zone, which left me deeply uncomfortable in certain situations, I think that I've handled them pretty well. If not, then I guess I have learned from them. I felt the growth that I have been craving for for a long time now, and I was more than proud of myself for finally experiencing breakthroughs no matter how small they are. It's still a step forward.
   Another one of the many things I've pondered over was my non-existent love life. I know what you're thinking, I mean, what is left to ponder over when it does not even exist? But the thing is, there is a reason why it doesn't. Perhaps you've wondered about it, considering how I've constantly mentioned its state. So anyway, I figured that I should update you on that as well.
   As I was embracing change, I knew that this certain aspect of my life must be evaluated too. You see, before I wasn't open about it. I had views that love is too risky of a business for me. There are too many things on the line, too many things I was not ready for, too many things I have to prioritize over such thing. I was not ready for the emotional commitment and any other that came along with relationships in general. I figured that I have my family and my friends (who I also consider as my family) that I am completely devoted to, and that was more than enough. Besides, I didn't really want to rush into things. 
   I shouldn't look for love, I should let love find me.
   Into the new decade of my life, I realized that I should be more open to it, because I thought that love will find me eventually. And so, getting into that mindset, I knew that I must also accept the risks and the unexpected surprises that came along with it. I could take on different perspectives to understand it all better, to do better and not be hopelessly foolish in possible situations that I'll get myself in. But now, as I write this, there was clearly something that I have missed. Something that I have gravely forgotten in which I considered as a significant detail, and the reason why I was not open about this in the first place. And that was...
   We all know that this could be irrational most of the time, and that's one of the many things that I detest about it. We couldn't control it, and yet as much as possible, I'm the kind of OC person that likes to keep it in check. But obviously, not even I could help it at times. And along with that, it also doesn't help with my crippling anxiety and the fact that I am an over-thinker who gets paranoid every once in a while. Perhaps my trust issues could greatly contribute to my plight that I've mentioned above, too. I worry about the small things in which I normally don't, and I find myself complicating things for myself when I should be simplifying it. And the other thing is this, it's all so cliched, all so unsurprising, I detest it and it's annoying the living shit out of me. I didn't want to bring out certain aspects of myself that usually aren't even there, such as the yearning, the clinginess, and the expectancy. It all feels so unnatural, yet so new and so old, and so unlike me, I want to slap myself.
    And I thoroughly admit, I am pretty messed up. I don't trust anyone so easily or perhaps even hardly, and I avoid getting attached because I've always thought that attachments can get complicated. Too complicated, in fact, it isn't appealing at all. I am more than fine with myself, and I've been used to being by myself that I find it odd how people could be so co-dependent. That is when I push people away to avoid it altogether.
   Yet, why do I feel all those unnatural things that I've mentioned above? Is it true that no matter how strategic one approaches the concept of "love," the heart will still win over the battle with your logical and rational mind? Does one simply hand it all over to the heart, ignoring all rationalities and realities just for the sake of such concept? Why do we all yearn to be loved when emotions and affections could be as fickle as the weather? How do I know when someone genuinely and honestly likes me without thinking that they're only telling me things that I want to hear? Without all the doubting, without all the wondering? Without all the yearning, and the expectancy? Without seeking reassurance and consistency?
   That's the thing though, isn't it? I remember asking some parts of those questions swirling in my mind to a friend, and they told me that one could never really know. It was an unnerving yet truthful answer that I may as well swallow down and accept...
   Somehow though, the unknown pill is quite difficult to. And here I am, pondering over those still.

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