Deep End - How Soon Is Now?

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Deep End

   I'm a box filled with contradictions. 
   A box filled with convoluted emotions.
   Of thoughts waiting to be spoken out loud and be understood. 
   But it's all so exhausting - to be this way, to want something yet you yourself only try to destroy it. It pains me to be like this. Yet sometimes, all these things I detest about myself right now are one of the many things I love, one of the many things I find amusement in, one of the many things I use to draw people both in and away. How complex could it all sound right now? How these words I write only prove how confusing I can be - how I have this innate ability to do so to people out of my own mere nature, consciously and yet also unconsciously, to find out which is genuine and which is false as a defense mechanism, and as a way for me to be entertained. I've challenged them, to prove to me whether they have earned their spot to be in my life, challenged them to fight for me and in turn, I'd do the same to them. I'd fight for them, just as they have fought for me - probably even more. 
   I now realize that it's a way to fend for myself.
   I know how deeply and immensely I actually feel, no matter how many times I've tried to numb them and be neutral. No matter how I think that I am not a servant to my emotions and I could stomp them out like bugs, just as Blair Waldorf herself had said. I am still human, and sometimes I should allow myself to feel. But it overwhelms me. It leaves me feeling scared and utterly vulnerable. 
   It's as if I've fallen over the deep end, and I expect these people that I now gravely care about to save me, to pull me back from the abyss, to not leave me and easily concede to my own confusing actions. And yet, what Shakespeare said was also true, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." That that one small speck of hope, that one small expectation that they would pull me back, is also what crushes me. And so, this is the time when I remember that people grow tired too. They've grown tired of fighting to save me, fighting to earn their spot wherein they thought was never theirs and will never be theirs.
   And I cannot do anything but blame myself for their exhaustion.
   Yet, what could be my solution? Perhaps I should stop rationalizing. Stop trying to understand it all just for a moment, and let myself feel. Let myself do so, until it passes by like a crisp midnight breeze, and let it go. I should let myself accept such emotion of any kind, and just be... 
   Exposed to the vulnerabilities and the complexities of life. 

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