Throwing It Back - How Soon Is Now?

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Throwing It Back

   My fifteen year old self would probably be disappointed in me.
   I just realized that. I also realized how in a span of five years so many things could happen - so many things could change and have changed. Everything is different now. And clearly, so am I. Though, I think she'd probably ask me what the fuck am I doing, and tell me that this was not how she imagined my life would be. If she knew that this was how it would've turned out, I guess she wouldn't have worked so fucking hard to prove herself to her mentors and her peers. She would've probably sulked and stayed in bed all day, and say, "What else is there in life anyway?"
   I don't know whether I actually should feel sad or amused about this.
   Okay, perhaps I feel both.
   She would've also judged me at how incredibly weak I've become. She wouldn't have understood the things I've gone through - since by then, she hasn't gone through it just yet - and would only think that they're foolish. She would judge me in so many things, and again, be disappointed, asking me what I've become. She would've asked me where her strength went, and why it seemed to have disappeared. She was a girl filled with determination and dreams, and strength and confidence, that she would be surprised at how in five years, life would bitch slap her across the face and learn that her dreams will probably just go down the drain. She'll probably dread that there might be a possibility that she'd live the mundane life, feeling nothing but this void deep within her.
   How in five years, she saw things differently.
   Yet the thing is, my fifteen year old self didn't know a lot of things. In fact, I also think she would've been proud with how I've become - other than being quite indecisive and doubtful of myself, of course, that she would've detested. I think she would see me in a different light - a much gentler creature who's still strong but clearly, lost her edge or aggressiveness along with her determination. The will to go and see every opportunity in every situation and take advantage of it, because that's what she was. And perhaps in that department of my life, she'd be gravely disappointed, but she would've been proud of me as a person.
   If I get to talk to her, I think she'd probably tell me to go for it, stop looking at things on the other side of the plate and staying stuck there, and to probably get that stick out of my ass and just enjoy life. She'd make me see so many different opportunities in every situation, and make the best of it. She'd push me for it, and tell me to hell with the hindrances or nay-sayers, go out and prove to them that they're wrong. And the thing I would probably tell her? I think it'd be to listen and be more understanding, and yes, be more open to new things - which clearly, is what happened during those five years, and what I've become now.
   So there goes my random thought for today. In fact, I think this week has been rather full of them, and it's only Wednesday...
   What the hell.


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