Because "It's Gonna Be May"

   I don't want April to leave us without a few of my random realizations squeezed in...
   Not that you guys haven't had enough of it already, but fuck it. I'm actually taking a break from finishing off this chapter - that I've been writing for about a week now, apparently - and actually decided to write this post instead. And yes, in case you hadn't noticed, I just stated the obvious right there on the previous sentence, because how could I possibly write two things at a time, right?
   Nevertheless, I do have to say that this month had gone pretty well despite the blazing heat that summer had brought upon us. I'm not exactly a fan of this season, as you guys know and as I always rant every year, but oh well... I'm actually surviving the heat, though I'm not saying pretty well, but I am barely surviving it with dizzy spells and whatnot. Also, there were a few times this month that had me sulking and moping, but during such dire and dreary time, I was able to write something rather meaningful in which I never thought that I would be able to do or even sound like myself as. But there it is, existing in this very blog considering I did post it a few weeks ago.
   And apparently, I am rambling just a bit, trying to find why I even decided to write this in the first place.
   Ah, yes... I finally remember.
   You see, whenever I try to make decisions nowadays, I hardly ever think about myself anymore. My first thought would be whether I would actually be down to do it - which is a dumb question to begin with, because obviously, right then and there I already know. But the thing is, my second thought would be is what others - or more appropriately put - what the people I deeply care about would think or feel about such decision. How would it affect them? Would it be a good decision for them? What would they think about it?
   You do know by now that I realized how utterly wrong such thought process was, right?
   So I thought, whatever happened to thinking about myself? For wanting to be a bit more selfish? For living my own life the way I want it to be? Yes, well... Perhaps over the years, I've neglected such thought. Until now, of course. It was that thought-process that got me into shit anyway. How many times have I thought of strategies or of concrete plans for myself and my future, only for it to be shot down because it didn't fit in their "criteria"? And yet, the irony of it all was the fact that now they seemed to have finally deemed it viable when all this time, I could've begun doing it! Now however, I have resorted to drowning all the "noise" out, and try "selective hearing," if you will. I don't want any more negativity or nay-sayings. And yes, right about now, I do realize how I seem to sound like a child in this ranting post, but whatever.
    On the bright side, I am also very grateful for how much support I'm getting from my dearest friends. And yes, from my dearest sister too, who have told me to stop with my "philosophical thinking or reasoning" and just go for the opportunities that come my way. I actually thought that that was amusing, other than the fact that I thought of that as a compliment. I mean, who knew I could be "philosophical," right? Lol. But in all seriousness, I know that she's right. I've trained myself all these years to think three steps ahead, and as a writer (if I can call myself that way), I also have to think about situations at every possible angle while I wear different characters' hats. Since then, I've thought that that was actually an advantage, and who knew that at certain situations it could also be disadvantageous too? Well, there is a first time for everything, especially when one realizes that thinking three steps ahead could also be something called "over-thinking."
   Ha-ha. How wonderful, right?
   So to end this, there are a few things to note: 1) Think about myself more and not give so much shit about anyone else's opinion, especially if it could actually be good for me along with the major detail that I can be good at it, and 2) Stop my "philosophical reasoning," get out of my head, and start fucking living. Last but definitely not the least, 3) Stop with the self-doubt, and motivate myself more.
    I'm out.

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