Grasping The Anchor - How Soon Is Now?

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Grasping The Anchor

   It's amusing how one little thing - such a small step forward - could make one feel quite liberating.
   A few nights ago, I was rambling to one of my best friends, Dane, of my own observations about my life, my personality, and everything else in general; how it all clicked and made me understand more of myself, because apparently, you learn something new everyday. I told her how it was actually enlightening. Mind you, we haven't talked on the phone for a while now, considering she was busy doing her thesis. So to talk to her again that night - during the ungodly hours - made me feel quite lighter too, in a way.
   I realized that I do terribly miss her, but her thesis continues to intervene with her social life, and probably everything else in general.
   During our conversation however, I also mentioned to her how the fire within me has dwindled. I no longer felt this burning passion, this motivation and determination for the strong caprice to live my dreams. I told her that it seemed as if I'm simply floating above water, letting the current of life just take me wherever it wants to go when I should remind myself that I should be the one to carry and hold onto the anchor. And so I found that small revelation definitely saddening.
   The next few days after our conversation, my head was wrapped in a bit of anxiety. It wasn't exactly all too surprising, considering how I found myself feeling lost again. And basically, that's how it's been for me for a few months already. Probably even longer than that. But either way, I was definitely feeling pretty shitty, that at one point, I figured that I may or may not just be having a bad case of PMS. In a way for me to remedy that though, I found myself searching for more Woody Allen films to watch - since I re-watched one of my favorites films, "Midnight In Paris" last week. So I ended up watching his old 1979 film, "Manhattan." 
   That was when I get a random motivational text from my sister.
   She said that she was already about to sleep when she thought of me, and decided to send that. And so there I was, a bit dumbfounded as an overwhelming emotion gushed through my veins. I was grateful, yes, because apparently, it was no coincidence. Capital H-I-M knew exactly what was in my heart and what I needed, and that night He made me feel loved by the people I actually care about. And apparently, the next few days made me feel just that.
   Today however, I found myself a bit more motivated... Writing-wise, of course. I've been in a slump, to be completely honest. For months on end, I've been incredibly blocked, and the only times I ever get to write is when I'm filled with this overwhelming emotion, gnawing at my insides and bursting to come out from the tips of my fingers. Or y'know, when I suddenly feel inspired that I push myself out of those filler chapters to move the plot to the direction I want it to go. It's a bit sporadic apparently, and that is definitely not good.
   So that's what I'm mostly trying to do these days - get myself into a mindset that'll set my drive and my motivation forward; to keep the fire within me burning, and possibly grab onto that anchor. I need to remind myself that I should stop over-analyzing things that end up overwhelming me. Other than the fact that I should be striving for breakthroughs, and that one little setback shouldn't even matter at all. It should push me forward even more, and have the courage to live my life the best way that I can.
   Though, I do have to admit, it's a bit comforting to know that I'm not alone, to know that even my own friends who seems to have their future laid out for them by having this wonderful foundation to start on, they feel just as lost as I am.
   And with that, all I can think about is that at least, now we don't have to walk alone...

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