Nocturnal - How Soon Is Now?

Wednesday, June 15, 2016


   2:00 AM.
   The start of it all.
   When the world falls into deep silence as every living breathing, heart-beating individual falls into a deep slumber.
   Then it all stands still.
   Or so in my neighborhood...
   Such ungodly hour brings out this different side of me - the more introverted one, when I relish in the peace and solitude of the night brings, and in the fact that no one would bother and talk to me. When all I want to do is read a book or write, and be alone in my thoughts as I come up with different ideas - or randomly call a friend, in which I do oh so very often (ask Dane, if you don't believe me, lol). It's like it brings me this kind of vulnerability that I couldn't bring myself to expose during the day; as if I had another, rather different personality, where I can be strong and bold and seem as if I've got my shit so well together that you'd end up believing in the brassiness of it all. You'd assume that I was okay. That I'm okay. That I'll be okay.
   And during the day, I might actually agree with you.
   Perhaps that was the disadvantage of being - or seeming to be - strong-willed. They'd all think you'd be fine.
   And that's okay.
   But during those hours, when I drag out our record player and pop in our Best of Henry Mancini vinyl to play "Moon River" on repeat to soothe myself from the stress of life in general (or whenever I find myself being sad), that vulnerability itches to climb upon the surface. Perhaps it's because I'm nocturnal, or perhaps the hour is such an inviting and warm space to divulge such side of myself, that it feels quite comfortable enough to let myself decompress, and allow someone to peek through the walls I've built.
  Then the marvelous revelation of the fact that I can be quite soft and delicate occurs.
   Perhaps it might be surprising - considering as how some people have been when they discover other sides of myself (I was in a conversation with someone that was surprised that I actually love to bake, lol). But apparently, this also only occurs from a deep level of trust. After all, I do believe I can get pretty intense with my emotions whenever I do allow them to be; when they blow up in my face and overwhelm me, that I lose all sense of control and I just lose my shit altogether. I don't think anyone and everyone would be able to handle that, but it's not like it's just out there for me to show it on a mundane day. I have to pick the right people, and fortunately, I have found some of them. :)
   But I guess the tricky part of that, however, is the fact that when you meet someone new, with whom you've grown closer with. I mean, how could you possibly determine whether the kind of relationship you have - and I mean this in the most general of terms, whether friendship or lovelife - is already at that certain point where both of you reach that level of comfort and sensibility, without the fear of being judged, that you'd get to show that side of yourself? Where you'd just pour out all your most personal thoughts and realizations, emotions and dilemmas, and just know that it'd be treasured as it is, and not be disregarded as foolish or be labelled as something that's just plainly dramatic. After all, it's not like I can call anyone I'd like at such an ungodly hour. It's uncivilized, of course.
   And perhaps that's the other tricky part, lol.
   After all this time though, I've come to learn that embracing vulnerability only makes you stronger. And for someone who isn't exactly much of a risk-taker - who constantly need reassurance and security - I also learned that for one to know that whether both of you have reached that certain point, one would have to take the chance upon themselves. In fact, you'd actually be surprised. I certainly have been for a few times, apparently. Somehow, it feels rather refreshing, considering I've felt trapped behind my walls for quite a while. And no, I'm not saying that you should flat out start trusting people, y'know. But I guess, it'd also have to be about making the right choices. If you don't or didn't, it's okay. It becomes a lesson you'd have to learn.
   And what is life without lessons?
   Damn, I can't believe I just said that. ;P

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