Diluted | Part Deux - How Soon Is Now?

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Diluted | Part Deux

   I really haven't been up to writing lately, which to be honest, is completely ridiculous of me. After all, I should be finishing two of the last chapters of my Fan Fiction, considering as next month will mark the fifth anniversary of me writing it. But apparently, endings weren't as easy as I thought it'd be - perhaps not just in creative writing, but also in general... Lol. How dramatic was that? But anyway, I just kept finding myself socially withdrawing and doing nothing in general whenever I have my downtime. This moment in fact, is the perfect example since it is my downtime, and here I am, stuck in my room at my own will, listening to She Wants Revenge that's blasting through my bluetooth speakers, randomly surfing the web on my tablet, and refusing to come out to the outside world to engage into all the social hubbub that the weekend could possibly bring.
   Crazy weekend, huh?
   Besides that however, most of the time I find my mind drifting elsewhere... Or more specifically, to someone. But I'm not going to get into all that. In fact, I'd rather not. I actually don't even know why I began writing this in the first place, lol. I know, how random of me, but in every sudden burst of caprice of me to write, I have to seize the opportunity. Otherwise, it'll take me weeks again before I find the motivation to. And that just won't do.
  Anyway, perhaps I should continue where I left off with my previous post when I talked about my trust issues. In the next few days after that, in which, was filled with nothing but anxiety, raging emotional coils, and slight panicking (maybe not-so slight), I've reached a certain point of apathy whilst a few realizations rained down upon my shoulders. It isn't exactly a good sign, admittedly so, considering if I've reached that point, that means that I'm emotionally drained and I turn back into this cold, distant, and nonchalant creature that I am. And true enough, this predicament that I'm under at the moment, again, is a true example of that. No, I'm not proud of it, but everyone has their own methods of self-preservation.
   However, the more important subject right now, and the reason why I'm writing this, is because I have realized the other root of my trust issues. Of course, there could be a lot of factors that could contribute to it, but you see, as I was talking about it more openly to others (not mere strangers, mind you, but with my dearest friends), I've discovered that it wasn't only about feeling or having the fear of being betrayed, but it was also because of the fact that I've never felt as though I could ever rely on anyone. I mean, yes, my friends are there and I know they'd always be there - but only to a certain extent. And sure, in this world, one would have to learn how to stand on their own two feet and do shit by themselves, but sometimes I guess, it's nice to have the thought of someone being there to catch you.
   I don't know, perhaps it's a bit ridiculous now that I think about it, or now as I expound on this more and more. It's even more ridiculous to even rant or complain that I got so used to taking care of shit by myself and others, because that's just how it is. In fact, I should be more proud of it, shouldn't I? Some would definitely be. But perhaps I'm looking for something more... What it is? Again, I don't know. I couldn't exactly put my finger on what I specifically want out of it - or perhaps I do, I just don't want to say it out loud.
   Perhaps that's also the reason why I detest asking anyone for anything, and how I detest feeling and being somewhat "needy." If I happen to be so, then I assure you guys that that's entirely uncharacteristic of me, unless to those who are dearest to me. And yes, I don't necessarily show that side of myself to anyone and everyone. Though it is kind of amusing that I am here, bearing my soul out into the world. Well, this is my blog after all, so I may as well - to a certain extent again, of course.
   It's just sometimes I think about how fucked up I am, which leads me to have this caprice to understand myself better and trace my behaviors and why it is that I feel or think about certain things. Needless to say, not only do I constantly psycho-analyze others, but more often than not, I do the same to myself. It's quite exhilarating, to be honest, if not a bit exasperating all at the same time, because I grow frustrated at myself at times. But I guess it is worth it in the end...
   All I know is, having trust issues can be quite exhausting. And just because I feel that way, and as though I can never really rely on anyone, that does not mean that I have no desire to. Apparently, as I have continued to write about this - these dark parts of myself - the more I want to change them wisely. Certainly, it won't happen overnight, but it is a step forward.
   One that I'm more than willing to take, just so I can get my shit together. ;)

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