Diluted - How Soon Is Now?

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Diluted

Madeleine Stowe as Victoria Grayson from the show, Revenge.
   Attachment had always been a tricky business for me. I always viewed that emotional ties could eventually be spelled as nothing but disastrous - considering as of course, emotions and feelings in general are irrational. So in turn, I knew then that attachment could lead to complications and other ingredients such as expectations and disappointments. Most of all, pain. But perhaps the reason why I viewed it in such way (other than having an INTJ as a personality type) was because I have felt most of those things, which weren't entirely new, other than having my own background of coming from a rather dysfunctional set of blood relatives. So many things could factor in that state of mind, which contributed to me being a cynic, and led me to evolve into a more nonchalant and cold creature... Or "human being," as they say, lol. 
   And under normal circumstances, if this feeling does arise, I'd normally run from it. I'd run when there are too many uncertainties, too many things that couldn't make any sense. If I deem it unnecessary to risk anything for anyone and don't find them worth it. If I get too scared or too unprepared, I'd run to save myself and I'd shut them out; push them away if it so needed. It's selfish, I know. A bit cruel, yes, that too. I admit them, and there were certain times in my life when I hadn't been exactly proud of such behaviour since it only showed how utterly infantile I was then, and then I really was. 
   Normally too, I wouldn't talk about this so openly. At least not as directly as I'd write this down and expound on this bit by every bit - opening myself up and the parts of myself that are slightly grayer than most - but apparently, I'd like to let this be another breakthrough of my growth as a person. Other than of course, that I made a promise to someone that I'd write something like this down after he showed me an article the other day that had a similar topic. And to be honest, as a very private person that I've also grown to be, I only find this certain endeavor at the moment to be quite puzzling and rather challenging. I've had my fair share of reflecting on my own self, but just when you thought you knew yourself so well, somehow breaking it down into writing seems a bit difficult. But I guess this is also a way for me to figure myself out better. 
    The thing is, I do have this gigantic wall up around me. It guards me like the Great Wall of China, standing so tall, so cold and dreary, giving an impression that I am completely impenetrable. But like the Trojan War, there are many ways to get in - so simple as to let a giant horse present to come in through the entrance doors. Apparently, both of such metaphors, if you so happen to have noticed, do require patience, understanding, and trust. Tons of love? Sure, why not. But most of all? Strategy - as long as the goal is of the greatest intentions, and not for sheer manipulation. 
   Of course, everyone wants to see what's behind the wall, especially when all this time, you've only been outside trying to look in. Who wouldn't be so curious, so intrigued as to what awaits them from the other side? Would the pastures be greener there? Will there be streams running through the rivers, while the pristine sunlight is glazing onto the waters? Will there be a mirror instead of a glass? And if there was, will it stop reflecting, or will it finally be shattered? So many questions, but the most important one is will you be able to see it? Will you be able to get through the other side? 
   I speak of my own feelings as if I'm someone who you actually deserve to know. Lol. Trust me, I'm just as dull as everyone out there.
   But on a more serious note, for those of you who I have piqued interests, the wall can definitely come down. In fact, it isn't so menacing and dreary than I seem to lead on. For someone who appears cold, nonchalant, completely and utterly uncaring, I know for myself that I'm none of those deep down. In fact, as an old friend once have told me, "Deep down, you're just a fuzzy little bunny." At first of course, I was slightly appalled to have been described as that, but after a while, I seemed to have finally agreed with her. I have such a huge and caring heart (at least, I think so), especially to those people who I deeply care about that ultimately, the greatest fear that I would detest to happen is if they'd leave me or break my trust. Or that other circumstance when you thought you knew someone and as it turned out, they weren't the kind of person you thought they'd be or showed you to be. Perhaps it is only normal for anyone to have that fear, but perhaps there are most cases wherein I've dealt with it oh so differently. 
   "Trust is one luxury I cannot afford," as Victoria Grayson once said on the show, Revenge. And this is the reason why I hardly ever let anyone in. The walls are there to protect myself and my heart - as clichéd as that may have sounded. And I don't really think that part of myself will change so easily, even if I've taken the risk to do so to people who I think would deserve it. The worst part there is the fact that even I second guess myself and continuously analyze my actions which could reflect that I hardly trust myself either, which is - admittedly so, - fucked up. But perhaps it's just embedded in my nature, filling those grayest and darkest parts of myself. 
   If push comes to shove, I do push back. How I could easily disregard anyone and my affections for them, how easily I could cut off ties especially when I deeply get hurt, just for my own self-preservation. No remorse. If I'm done, then I'm done. And yes, I've done that many times before as well, and no, I'm not too proud of it either. But the walls will still be there, even if there is a single moment when I've given anyone a chance and let them peek in slightly. 
   There were definitely moments when I've wanted to change this certain aspect of my personality. It can have its own pros and cons, both of which have greatly affected me in so many ways; protecting me yet also ricocheting back to haunt me. But the thing is, once I have broken down my walls, I want it to be certain that it would be for someone who could stay in my life, who would not dare hurt me or break my trust, who would love me and wouldn't make me doubt anything about it.
   If I'm there to stay for the people that I love, I want to make sure that they're there for me to stay as well. That they would cherish me, and treasure whatever kind of relationship they have with me - whether familial, frendships, or even intimate ones. I'd want to be certain that I did not break my walls down just for me to regret it in the end. I'd want to be certain that I did not break my walls down for anyone to simply toy me and my affections around. Why? Because I'll make certain for myself as well that I don't do those things to anyone, no matter if I care about them or not. 
   It's easy to be better with the people you love. And it's definitely more difficult with the people who you hardly know and hardly give a damn to. But apparently, the latter shows great character. And to me, that matters as well. And that's why I also want to assure anyone who is reading this that yes, perhaps the walls exist for my self-preservation that will push back if it hinted danger, but the walls will only be there and would do nothing to you if you're only simply standing by it. 
   At least, if it's not provoked. 
   Otherwise, anyone would hardly even notice it exists...



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