Fifty Shades Of Gray


   Not the same one that you and I are probably thinking of.
   I've been having this urge to write, but I'm not exactly sure how I would deliver it. It's too personal, and I'm afraid that if I don't be specific about it, I would fail on being able to put across my point. But apparently, it seems that I'm underestimating myself and my skill in being awfully vague and general, while being able to deliver it as clearly and as relatable as possible. After all, isn't that what I've been doing on this blog for a long time now? *Shrugs*
   Last week, a few circumstances happened that triggered more than a few things within me. It made me question myself and my sense of judgment. In fact, I often wonder about that - y'know, my sense of judgment, so much so that, as I've already mentioned before, I constantly second-guess myself whether I really am thinking clearly. That my thoughts aren't obscured by fickle emotions or whims, or dare I say it, being a twenty-one year old who can feel and express angst every once in a while. It's bad enough that I don't even feel like my age at all. In fact, most of the time, I feel like an old person trapped in a twenty-one year old girl's body.
   And yet, at these times, I feel like a mere teenager - helpless, clueless, and lost.
   I guess, I'm that in-between, huh?
   Perhaps so.
   But you see, I've always known that the world isn't exactly divided into the simple black and white. The world is filled with gray areas, some even grayer than most. And they're not as simple as we seem to think it is. For a while, I've pondered over and over about my own trust issues - searching so far from deep within where it rooted from. I knew there could be a lot of reasons, one of those was probably my own abandonment issues, which was something I wouldn't really want to consider, but at this point, it might be something valid. But apparently, I've come to a probability that it just might be the fact that I felt like I could never rely on anyone, as I've already mentioned in one of my previous posts. This time, however, after a certain circumstance came up, I realized that it went deeper than simply having that feeling.
    I've always been so cautious with people, especially with the new ones I meet. But what I hadn't realized that it was actually the ones who are closest, even dearest to me, that I couldn't ever really trust or even rely on. I mean, I've always known that, but it's different now. I guess, what happened just confirmed it to be true. It's sad, really. But I see no reason anymore why I should be, considering the fact that's it's already been done.
   I questioned myself for these past few days, wondering how I would possibly go on knowing this. After all, my trust issues has already affected my inner, most personal relationships - whether familial, friendships and yes, my love life. And God, it fucks me up, adding to my already fucked up state of self, lol. I no longer want this to affect me. I no longer want to be hindered by this, to live in this constant toxicity. I mean, yes, my suspicions over every single thing could be beneficial to some cases, especially to save myself from situations that could put me at risk, and I mean that in the most general of terms such as everyday social and mundanity of life. But I want to breakfree of that kind of mindset, constantly being on guard even to the people who have been nothing but consistent and wonderful to me.
   I realize that I have to learn how to evaluate a few things more, or do some "trial and error" as one have seemed to advise me, which I jokingly mentioned making a mental Venn Diagram as to who and not to trust, lol.
   On a more serious note, I was told that there are some things that aren't worth worrying over. And I don't know about you, but somehow, there is something so liberating about that statement - though, I never admitted that to them, until now that is (if you are reading this, of course, which is unlikely.) I know I can be such a neurotic at times, picking a few things here and there and obsessing over them until I find an acceptable solution to it. But it is true, that there are some things I have no control over, which terrifies me at some point or another. The only other thing I found solitude over is that I can actually keep control of the things I can. So I guess that's just what I'll also try and focus on.
   And so, since I've already declared this on Twitter some time a few weeks ago, I'll say it again.
   As it turns out, 2017 is turning to be the year of when I start caring less and continue focusing on my own growth. "Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit," as they'd like to say.
   Or as I'd like to call it, "Give-No-Fucks-2017" or "Don't-Give-A-Damn-2017." Either of them can be acceptable, I guess. ;)
   It's time to pick out everything that can be toxic in my life, even down to my mental health - for my own sanity.

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