A Pause For Reflection - How Soon Is Now?

Saturday, April 29, 2017

A Pause For Reflection

   Onto my second glass of wine.
   Who would ever thought that I would actually have a moment of utter epiphany?
   It's the long weekend, and here I am, drinking in front of my desktop for a second consecutive night, finishing this bottle of wine that I wasn't able to last night (I drank more than half of the bottle. After that, I called it a night especially when I've drunk texted numerous questions marks to a certain someone - you know who you R - and thought it was actually funny when I was seriously asking if they were already home.) Some might call it sad that I'm drinking by myself, but really, my introverted self does prefer this most of the time. Otherwise, if I do happen to be out, I'd prefer a chill place where I'm with that certain someone, or a few of my very close friends, and be able to have an actual conversation while we have booze.
   I'm too "lola" to be out in a club, lol.
   Anyway, so back to that epiphany...
   I haven't exactly been proud of the way I've been acting lately. I was being a complete, selfish neurotic, who freaks out whenever things don't go the way I imagined them to be. And I realized that the other reason behind that was because I was acting out on my own fears, feeling as if I'm losing and as if I have no control. I kept focusing on my own desires, of my own standards and expectations and disappointment, and of that future, that I completely forgot to be more considerate of their feelings. I forgot that it's not just me. I forgot that maybe they were under tremendous pressure and stress, and yes, even frustration as well. Sure, my own frustrations and feelings are absolutely valid, and it does take some initiative and effort to work on what we want, but don't we want the same things after all? And the most important part that I realized, was the fact that I was so focused on acting out on those fears I forgot that I needed to be more nurturing. Instead, I was acting crazy and all over the place, never once thinking that they needed me the same way as I needed them. That I needed to be patient, as they were and continue to be, with me.
   Apparently, I don't exactly feel any better about this. In fact, I feel horrible and disappointed with myself for being such an immature prick. But I do think that we are all a work in progress, and that progress never stops. I do have to stop overthinking and freaking out of my ass, and just learn how to nurture parts that I feel are lacking in my life to have better interpersonal relationships.
  More love, more happiness.

P.S. No, I'm not drunk... Yet. ;) (loljk) 

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