Unravel Me - How Soon Is Now?

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Unravel Me

   I've got two parallel lines in my life.
   And like all parallel lines, they're not supposed to meet. At least, not right now.
   Not yet.
   Today, I sat down here in front of my desktop, knowing that I was supposed to write something here on my blog. But I was left speechless. I woke up on the right side of the bed earlier believe it or not, smiling because I was actually happy of the events of the night before. Now that the day is nearing its end, and I was listening to Cigarettes After Sex's new album (it's tooo good!), I came upon this certain epiphany yet again, wherein I was actually living a double life. A kind of life where I had to hide a certain aspect of my life from others - the one where I was utterly happy and genuinely, unapologetically myself.
   No, this isn't some type of a gender-related issue, mind you. I assure you that this isn't actually something that is dire, it's actually not even supposed to be that big of an issue. But regardless of that, this always leaves me with this feeling of dread deep within me. And here I am, contemplating upon that frustration again.
   For someone who actually craves for authenticity all the time, it makes me sad that I have to hide it. It makes me sad that I couldn't necessarily just share it with people who are dear to me, in fear of being judged or of being disapproved of my decisions and my actions. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be private of things - to keep something for oneself. But apparently, I'm in that phase wherein it's as if I'm still treated as a mere teenager and not as an actual adult. That it's as if I'm still too young to know of things, and don't have my own mind to be able to think for myself and on my own. So with that said, I had to resort to keeping that part of my life from others, so as not to deteriorate it. To keep its authenticity, and not be stained by others' opinions, who base their own experiences and mistakes to what I "must" be going through at the moment.
   But I crave that certain freedom from time to time. I've always refused to conform to societal standards, more so to others' opinions as well. It's easier said than done, however, I admit. These are the times when I have this great caprice to be able to live my life unapologetically, where I don't feel like I'm constrained in somebody else's box. I want to be able to share my happiness, not bounded by fear or whatsoever. I want to see what the world has to offer; what life has to offer.
   These are the times when I wish I had the guts to.
   That I was courageous enough to.
   "Time will come," I know. I also know that I just get impatient sometimes. We are moving in the slowest of pace, in the most constricted box I have ever been in. And most of the time, I admit, I want to push out; to not let borders keep us in. Sometimes, I think that maybe it's okay. Maybe it's a good thing, because day by day, we are just more certain.
   We'll get there one day, I just know it.

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