Baby, I'm Afraid - How Soon Is Now?

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Baby, I'm Afraid


Well, baby I'm afraid of a lot of things but I ain't scared of loving you. 
 And baby, I know you're afraid of a lot of things but don't be scared of love. 
 'Cause people will say, all kinds of things, but that don't mean, a damn to me
 'Cause all I see is what's in front of me, and that's you...
        - "Poor Song," Yeah Yeah Yeahs  

   I spent the first week of January being sick.
   And now that I have fully recovered, I'm back to being a ball of frenzy.
   You see, there is something about being vulnerable that leaves everyone feeling rather prickly and exposed. That's why people react in certain ways when they get to that point. Some handle it quite well, and some don't. It's not a surprise then, that I actually end up being in the latter part, especially at times when I don't try my best to calm myself down.
   But I have learned over time, that in being vulnerable, there is strength. That in showing weakness, there is understanding of different mentalities and human emotions that are ever so complicated. Yet nobody wants to be perceived as weak. Or in my case, admitting my own insecurities out loud and facing them headfirst. When that happens, I become vindictive and push people away, wanting them to prove me and my doubts right, when all along, I only want them to prove me wrong.
   Nobody knows that last thing, of course, during that circumstance.
   Most of the time, people would just think I'm being a bitch.
   And they're absolutely right.
   It's not something I'm proud of, but it's also not something I hide about myself either. I try to handle things differently - in a more mature manner, at least. But emotions can be such tricky things, and unless one is emotionally intelligent, one can only then handle them pretty well. It's pretty amusing that people would see me as being emotionally intelligent when there are certain times that I don't, but then again, not all of them see other sides of me.
   I can only hope to be and do better the next time.
   Even if there are times when I enjoy being vindictive, only for it to come back and bite me in the ass.
   This only goes to show that that's not how to handle things, huh? Yet, I do it anyway.
   Sigh.


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