A Moment of Clarity - How Soon Is Now?

Sunday, February 4, 2018

A Moment of Clarity

12:40 AM

   I didn't have a good week.
   After receiving news that engulfed me in sadness, anger, and disappointment, I plunged myself deeper into work to cope with my emotions. And work droned on and on this week, even if I wasn't exactly as productive as I wanted to be with the pace that I was going with. And apparently, that didn't work. I was still left distracted with those emotions threatening to bubble up on the surface at any moment, but I pushed it back down when it came under an inopportune time.
   Today, those emotions have bubbled up again. This time I let it go, and let it flow right out of me. But after shedding a few tears, I stopped myself again, wanting to regain control like I always do. I'm not good at dealing with my emotions, as you all know very well and as I've continually talked about it over the years. But I find ways to deal with them by trying to rationalize them including my thoughts. Sometimes, it works for myself. Oftentimes, that's when a dear friend always comes in handy to help.
   I then realized that if at work, I always encourage myself to focus on solving the problem rather than focusing on the problem itself, I should have the same approach to my relationships and my life. Yet somehow, I always let myself sulk into misery, which apparently does nothing if not turn the situation to worst because of my overthinking. So again I stopped, which made me think if the problem was actually with me.
   Partly of it was, to no surprise.
   I was always trying to seek validation - one that I never thought I'd admit out loud, I'm stubborn like that. Not from everyone, mind you, but to one certain person. And I did that by trying to say things just so I could elicit some sort of response or an underlying reaction that I already knew what they were. Yet, I just have to. I just have to know if what I know is the truth. It was at that moment, I reached clarity by asking further questions within myself.
   Why did I have to know when I already did?
   Why was I seeking that validation?
   Et voila! 
   I then knew right from the very depths of me that it was from a place of distrust. Not of the one that was dearest to me, but it came off as an instinct. My trust issues. It came from a place where this fucked up part of myself is expecting to have my trust broken, waiting for that day to come and if it does, I'd be prepared for it. It came from a place where I had always felt like I could never rely on anyone even the people who are closest to me, because I always took care of others and myself on my own.
   Looking over at that part of myself, my own flaw, I knew that I didn't want to be like that. I don't want to ruin my relationships because of that part of me. My best friend was right, I can't keep thinking or feeling like the world is out to get me, and that I deserve to cherish this wonderful part of my life. I can't keep putting my guard up, no matter how much I try to crumble it down.
   I know I have to take an important step, and that is why I'm right here writing about it with a pack of Hershey's Kisses that I just opened. I mean, of course, some wine would've been nice but oh well... Some sweetness would do. And after this, then I'll take that right step to getting this right.
   Or at least try to...

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